Ma is better again, time has been turned back, the world is restored.
The Promise, by Damon Galgut
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Ma is better again, time has been turned back, the world is restored.
When you read this sentence do you feel the speed? The rush of thoughts, one coming right after the other?
In Galgut’s novel, mother has died, and the youngest daughter, while sitting on a hill, watching her house, sees a figure moving around in her mother’s bedroom. When she half closes her eyes, she imagines it’s her mother.
I know someone is raising a hand, wanting to ask: isn’t this a comma splice?
Yep. It is. A comma splice is using a comma to link two independent clauses. In an English class, you’ll be told it’s an error and you better correct it right now with a colon, semicolon, or conjunction. But we’re in creative writing, so we have permission (yes, I’m giving you permission, my friend) to use it to create quickness, a rush of energy. And we can use it to capture a character’s speech pattern.
It also falls under the auspices of asyndeton, a rhetorical device that omits conjunctions between words, phrases or clauses. Here’s Jack Kerouac using it in On the Road: "He was a bag of bones, a floppy doll, a broken stick, a maniac." When used like this, in addition to creating speed, there’s also a feeling that the list could go on and on. If you included an “and’-- “and a maniac”—there’s more finality.
A comma splice (or asyndeton) can also juxtapose two clauses so the reader is left wondering: why are these two together? Which means the reader is imaginatively engaged with the story, trying to provide the unstated connection.
In my experience, the comma splice/asyndeton works best with shorter clauses, so the element of speed isn’t lost.
The Making
Using the architecture of Galgut’s sentence, write three independent clauses. These could stand alone, of course. Instead, connect them with a comma.
Ma is better again.
Time has been turned back.
The world is restored.
Try it! Let me know how it goes.
Nina is the bomb, head-exploding sentences, the world is better.
I love this kind of construction. The forward momentum of it. I tried to write one with as much impact as the model, and the Kerouac example, but had no luck with that. Anyway, here are a few attempts. With so few words, I thought I'd include (in brackets) a clue as to the kind of situation I was imagining for these sentences.
1.
He’s coming towards me, I can’t just stand here and do nothing, everyone’e watching. (Would you like to dance?)
2.
I can see the water lapping at the front porch, it’s spreading across the downstairs hallway, now the bottom step’s covered. (Flood)
3.
The smallest one holds up a doll, there’s a challenge in the action, the older one lunges to grab and then come the tears. (Sisters at play)
4.
No-one sees her cry, she knows to hide such weakness, it isn’t the first time