I looked upon the scene before me—upon the mere house, and the simple landscape features of the domain—upon the bleak walls—upon the vacant eye-like windows—upon a few rank sedges—and upon a few white trunks of decaying trees—with an utter depression of soul which I can compare to no earthly sensation more properly than to the after-dream of the reveller upon opium—the bitter lapse into every-day life—the hideous dropping off of the veil.
The Fall of House of Usher, by Edgar Allen Poe
Poe’s narrator experiences an unveiling of reality that dismantles his fantasy about the House of Usher. This sentence enacts the uncovering, like one door opening after another, revealing what actually is: not a grand house, but a mere house with a simple landscape, on and on, with each new element emphasized dramatically by the em-dash.
It’s a wonderful sentence that manifests revelation or insight rather than the clunky “I realized.” Poe could have used a comma, and the sentence would have been much smoother, but he would have lost the emphasis of each new element and the rhythm of jaggedness. The em dash creates a feeling of interruption or startling breakage, which is what’s happening to the narrator’s fantasy.
Poe uses a right-branching sentence, with the subject and verb at the beginning, and follows with the string of em dashes that describes the scene. Four of the em dashed elements are so startling to the narrator that they stand alone: bleak walls, vacant eye-like windows, rank sedges, and a few white trunks of decaying trees. In that string, the adjectives, or coloring words, do the heavy lifting, painting a dismal picture: mere, simple, bleak, vacant eye-like, rank, decaying.
Woven throughout for heightened emotion is anaphora, with “upon” repeated six times at the beginning of the descriptive phrases.
Then Poe gives us the effect that the scene has had on the narrator, comparing the depression of his soul to the after-dream of the opium user and sneaking in one more use of “upon”: “the after-dream of the reveller upon opium.” Here, the rhythm changes, with no interruptions of the em dash, as if what has been unveiled slams into the narrator like a cement block.
The final two phrases return to the em dash, further describing what has happened to the narrator after looking at this scene. That there are two phrases and not one creates even more emphasis. Again, the adjectives are so effective: “the bitter lapse into every-day life,” and “the hideous dropping off of the veil.”
Your Turn:
Write a right-branching sentence, beginning with your subject and verb. Since you are practicing, have your protagonist see something jarring or surprising. In this opening sentence, use a word you will repeat at the beginning of your phrases (Poe used “upon”).
Add an em dash, use the word you’re going to repeat, and add two things your protagonist sees.
Add another em dash, repeat the opening word of your previous phrase, and add one thing your protagonist sees.
Add another em dash, repeat your opening word, and add one thing your protagonist sees.
Add an em dash, repeat your opening word, and add one thing your protagonist sees.
One more time: em dash, repeat your opening word and add one thing your protagonist sees.
Add the effect of what the protagonist sees and compare it to another feeling.
Add an em dash and describe further the effect on the protagonist.
Add one more em dash and describe one more time the effect of what has been seen on the protagonist.
How did it go?
What else do you see?
About Me:
I’ve taught “Style in Fiction,” “Word for Word” and “Cultivating Your Prose” at the University of San Francisco and Stanford Continuing Studies since 2007. Painters have paint, sculptors have clay. We have words, and words are sounds, and if you pay close attention to this, you can make music.
Please visit my website to find all of my books: ninaschuyler.com (including “How to Write Stunning Sentences” and “Stunning Sentences: A Creative Writing Journal).
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I’m excited to teach an online class for the fabulous Zyzzyva on November 4th, 11:00-2:00 PST, on Zoom, “The Past is Always Happening: On Writing about Time.”
Time is a container for every story. Yet too often we focus intently on the event that upended the ordinary world, minimizing or ignoring the past. Writing advice often reinforces this, sometimes turning it into a rule. If this theory of time turns rigid, your story may be stripped of complicated motivations and depth. Characters are, after all, amalgamations of all that has happened to them, all that has been inherited, including the familial, cultural, and historical. Moreover, the past can be as dynamic, lively, and intense as the present. In this class, we’ll look at excerpts from short stories and novels that welcome the past. We’ll consider pieces that dedicate entire sections to the past as well as stories that let the past sprinkle in like breadcrumbs. We’ll examine the effect of these approaches on character and story. Generative writing exercises will let you explore different strategies to usher in the past, improving your understanding of time in narration.
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Gah, this sentence is incredible! I love using em dashes to propel the reader forward in a sentence. But the way Poe uses a series of them creates a sense of breathlessness that only adds to the jarring nature of the sentence's content (which you've disseminated so beautifully). I can see this architecture making for a killer final sentence of an essay.
I looked at the videos before me – upon the dead child in her father’s arms – upon his cheek on her forehead – upon her vacant eyes – upon her little bun affixed by a pink scrunchy – upon the bruises on her forehead and cheek – upon a once impudent chin – upon her little body encased in a sheet of plastic – with an utter devastation that my cries could no release – I beat my chest like a madwoman, willing myself pain so that the hurt in my heart could somewhat pale in comparison.