Without ever understanding the gradual changes to his emotional life, Boogaloo was slowly transformed into a man without likes or dislikes, without a strong sense of desire or remorse, a shell alone on an empty beach without the inner, passionate song of the sea found in that place where shell, ear, and sea meet in the radiance of music.
“A Case of Consolation,” by Fred Arroyo, from the short story collection, Western Avenue and Other Fictions
I love what you can do with a sentence. Fred Arroyo’s sentences create astonishing music such that the writing itself becomes a propulsive force, moving the reader along, page after page.
His stories are about Latino immigrants in the United States who suffer hardship, and yet Arroyo’s sentences, with their rhythm and sound and precise detail, also usher in wonder and beauty. You could say the sentences with their style provide an antithesis to bereavement, disappointment, and loss, and that his characters, despite everything, affirm life because of the emotion created by his sentences.
To create music, Arroyo uses balance, the pairing of two, ushering in a distinct rhythm. There is the pairing of “likes or dislikes” and “desire or remorse.” Balance calls attention to itself with its double beats, and, as literary scholar Richard D. Altick says, “provides an unmistakable eloquence to prose.”
Another rhythm enters through series, or threes, with “shell, ear, and sea.” The series also helps build to the conclusion of the sentence, “radiance of music.”
Then there is the rhythm of four, and here I’m referring to the word “without.” Once you’re in the realm of fours, emotion is heightened. And by repeating it four times, Arroyo draws the reader’s attention to it, with all the figurative implications of that word for Boogaloo. “Without” is the first word in the sentence, then it’s repeated three more times. The second two times are an example of anaphora, the repetition of a word(s) at the beginning of phrases, clauses or sentences. (without likes or dislikes, without a strong sense of desire or remorse). The third “without” is tucked in the metaphor, comparing Boogaloo to a shell.
It’s as if the entire sentence builds to the metaphor, which captures the true meaning of the word “without.” Boogaloo is missing the “inner passionate song,” or “the radiance of music.” The other day a student asked how to get a character’s emotion on the page. Here is one way: the use of a metaphor to sensually and viscerally depict the inner world of a character.
The Making
Start with a modifying phrase and use a word to begin this phrase that you’ll repeat three more times. This word should be important to the story and maybe even the inner world of your character. This is a left-branching sentence. Next, write your base clause; here, the subject is “Boogaloo,” followed by the verb “was.”
Since it’s a linking verb, you need to add more modifiers that refer back to your subject. For these modifiers, use anaphora and repeat the first word of your sentence two times. Can you add antithesis (opposites), as Arroyo does with “likes or dislikes”?
Now comes your metaphor. Remember to think of the world as different domains. Arroyo has the domain of humans and the domain of the sea. Can you repeat the first word of your sentence one more time when you describe the metaphor? That word will help you decide what details to include in your metaphor.
There are lots of opportunities for more music through the repetition of sound. Can you go through your sentence again and add more music? In Arroyo’s sentence there is:
Assonance: understanding/gradual/transformed/man/passionate; likes/dislikes; Boogaloo/music; emotional/slowly/transformed
Alliteration: strong/sense/song/sea; dislikes/desire
Make a beautiful sentence!
What else do you see in this sentence?
You can preorder my forthcoming Stunning Sentences: A Creative Writing Journal, published by Fiction Advocate, which will appear in the world this fall. The publisher is offering 40% off for preorders.
Here’s the link:
https://www.fictionadvocate.com/product/stunning-sentences-a-creative-writing-journal/
One more thing: I’ll be teaching an online class for Stanford this fall, “Cultivate Your Prose: Line by Line.” Sign up begins August 22nd, tomorrow at 8:30 am PST. There are only 25 spots, and last semester it filled quickly.
Here’s the link:
https://continuingstudies.stanford.edu/courses/creative-writing/cultivate-your-prose-style-line-by-line/20221_CW-68
Thank you, Nina. I had never heard of this writer, but I will be on the lookout for his work. Very interesting sentence. On my first quick read I strangely enough got the opposite impression of what it actually says, and then I was like, wait a minute, try this again, but more slowly. I wonder if he intended that effect or if, as you suggest, it’s inherent in the contrast between the dire subject matter and the dazzling beauty of Arroyo’s prose.