Look: it is a Tuesday morning, and a security guard in a creased blue uniform is unlocking a door and standing aside with a light-hearted bow, because here I come, with my hair scraped into a rough bun, a milk-stained blouse, a baby in a sling, a toddler in a buggy, a nappy-bag spewing books, and what could only be described as a dangerous light in my eyes.
A Ghost in the Throat, by Dorieann Ni Ghriofa
When I read an imperative, I feel the obedient girl I once was charge up from the dust-covered past and pay attention. Look, the sentence tells me, so I’m looking at what unfolds.
And what unfolds is a great build to the narrator and the entourage that accompanies her. So much is learned about the narrator through the string of modifiers that spiral back to her, with this part of the sentence functioning like a cumulative sentence. I see her clearly, her hair, her milk-stained blouse, a baby, a toddler, a bag of books, and that dangerous light in her eyes. The sentence is constructed to situate the reader in time--it’s a Tuesday morning--and setting, that security guard. Once we are grounded in time and space, here comes the narrator.
There’s a celebratory tone to the order of the words, “here I come,” as if the narrator has stepped on stage. The security guard’s “light-hearted bow” adds to this tone. But the sentence surprises because she appears not as a dolled-up entertainer but a mother with two young children in tow and a milk-stained blouse. The diction “scraped” conveys a rushed beauty routine, which is further emphasized with “rough bun.”
Ghriofa uses imprecision at the end of the sentence, withholding why the narrator has a dangerous light in her eyes. It creates curiosity, and the reader keeps paying attention.
The imperative also ushers in a compound/complex sentence, with two independent clauses and a subordinate clause:
1. First independent clause: It is a Tuesday
2. Second independent clause: a security guard in a creased blue uniform is unlocking a door and standing aside with a light-hearted bow
3. Subordinate clause: because here I come, with my hair scraped…
The rhythm of the sentence feels upbeat, even happy, despite the baby-accessorized narrator, and this is because of the bouncy rhythms of the hyphenated words: “light-hearted bow,” “a milk-stained blouse,” and “nappy-bag.”
Your Turn
Start with an imperative, which is a command or request, with the subject “you,” implied. Add a colon.
Now write your first independent clause. Ghirofa used a cleft sentence, which has an introductory phrase (it is/it was/there were…) to emphasize the subject.
Add a conjunction and write your second independent clause. Can you create a contrast between this sentence and the following subordinate clause?
Now comes the subordinate clause, and in that clause, include six adjectives that further describe the subject of the clause.
So much music in this sentence!
Assonance: Tuesday/blue/uniform; aside/light (2x)/eyes; rough bun; scraped/stained/baby
Alliteration: The “b” sound drums throughout. The sound of “B” is a plosive, which explodes from the mouth, and now we begin to sense the heaviness of her life. (This sound also contrasts with the celebratory tone). Blue/bow/because/ bun/blouse/baby/buggy/bag/books; then at the end there’s a shift to “d,” which is also a plosive, with described/dangerous.
Try it!
Let me know how it goes.
What else do you see?
“I now have fifty pages in a row without a single event... Everything is a question of style...” —Gustave Flaubert
About Me
I’ve taught “Style in Fiction,” “Word for Word” and “Cultivating Your Prose” at the University of San Francisco and Stanford Continuing Studies since 2007. In each of these classes, we spend 10 to 15 weeks drenched in the beauty of sentences, reading them and writing them. It’s such a pleasure! I’ve watched my writing and my students’ writing blossom with this practice of paying close attention to the sentence.
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The way this one builds, and the brilliant use of language--I’m totally hooked!
I love this gorgeous propulsive sentence! Another dangerous writer to add to my exponentially exploding list!