They marveled; they envied; and she watched herself and her friends, and listened to their words and hers, and wondered why none of them saw in her eyes and at the corners of her lips the dark glisten and static quiver of stored tears.
“A Love Song,” by Andre Dubus, from the short story collection Dancing After Hours
I love sentences that pulse with rhythm. Dubus feels as if he has rhythm woven into the fabric of his being, as if it pours out of him in great waves and onto the page.
His sentence is a study (and inspiration) in balance and series. Balance is the pairing of two things, which can be anything: a repetition of phrases, clauses, sounds, rhythms, adjectives, adverbs, on and on. Balance “lends an unmistakable eloquence to prose,” writes Richard D. Altick, Preface to Critical Reading. “That, indeed, is one of the principal glories of the King James Bible.”
Look at the balance threading through this sentence:
1. They marveled; they envied
2. herself and her friends
3. their words and hers
4. her eyes… the corners of her lips
5. dark glisten… static quiver… stored tears
Dubus creates more rhythm and eloquence with series, or threes:
1. Three independent clauses: 1) they marveled 2) they envied 3) she watched
2. Three verbs: 1) watched 2) listened 3) wondered
3. Three direct objects: 1) dark glisten 2) static quiver 3) stored tears
The use of a semicolon at the beginning compresses the repetition of stresses, making the rhythm reverberate more powerfully. The pattern is soft stress, heavy stress, soft stress: They MARveled; they ENVied. (This technique is a favorite of Virginia Woolf).
Dubus creates a smooth, flowing rhythm throughout this sentence by using polysyndeton, the overuse of conjunctions. He could have written the sentence like this: They marveled; they envied; she watched herself and her friends, listened to their words and hers, and wondered why none of them saw in her eyes and at the corners of her lips the dark glisten and static quiver of stored tears. Do you hear and feel the difference? It’s choppier, harsher.
There’s another reason this sentence works so well: the smooth rhythm is juxtaposed with the underlying pain of the character. The sentence mimics exactly what is happening in the scene.
Your turn:
1. Write two short base clauses and connect them with a semicolon. Can you use phrasing that is grammatically similar? Can you make them match in terms of stresses?
2. Add a conjunction and write your third base clause. Include three verbs and connect them with conjunctions to create polysyndeton.
3. In this third base clause, find places to add balance.
4. Can you go back and add series?
Try it!
There’s a lot more to say about this sentence. Let me know what else you see.
About Me
I’ve taught “Style in Fiction,” “Word for Word” and “Cultivating Your Prose” at the University of San Francisco and Stanford Continuing Studies since 2007. In each of these classes, we spend 10 to 15 weeks drenched in the beauty of sentences, reading them and writing them. It’s such a pleasure! I’ve watched my writing and my students’ writing blossom with this practice of paying close attention to the sentence.
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I like the soulfulness of this sentence, and the way in which we are inside and outside of consciousness. Also the rhythmic wave, and the word choices: ‘dark glisten’ is worth the price of a craft book!
Love your posts...and I pre-ordered your book. Congratulations on publishing !