This power had struck John, in the head or in the heart; and, in a moment, wholly, filling him with an anguish that he could never in his life have imagined, that he surely could not endure, that even now he could not believe, had opened him up; had cracked him open, as wood beneath the axe cracks down the middle, as rocks break up; had ripped him and felled him in a moment, so that John had not felt the wound, but only the agony, had not felt the fall, but only the fear; and lay here, now, helpless, screaming, at the very bottom of darkness.
Go Tell It on the Mountain, by James Baldwin
Baldwin’s sentence captures a moment of rupture. John has fallen out of the known world and has lost his bearings, having never experienced this level of anguish before. Early on, the atmosphere of disorientation is established with the prepositional phrase, “in the head or in the heart.” He can’t locate where the power struck him, but the power has struck, and John is in the aftermath, sitting in the unfamiliar, trying to figure it out.
There is some measure of thinking going on, and that, too, is evidenced in this early prepositional phrase that invokes parallelism, “in the head or in the heart.” A perfectly balanced phrase.
As John’s mind sorts and sifts to make sense of what’s happened and to try to put it into words, the sentence moves into a series (three things) using anaphora, the repetition of a word(s) at the beginning of phrases, clauses or sentences:
1. that he could never in his life have imagined
2. that he surely could not endure
3. that even now he could not believe
These three “that” clauses refer to the anguish caused by the power that struck him. The clauses slow the sentence down, mimicking John’s labored effort to understand what’s happened to him. The short phrases and commas “and, in a moment, wholly,” do—also slow the sentence down, mirroring John’s struggle to understand.
Baldwin follows with another series using anaphora, picking up the verb “had” from the beginning: (This power had struck John…)
1. had opened him up
2. had cracked him open
a. as wood beneath the axe cracks down the middle
b. as rocks break up
3. had ripped him and felled him in a moment
Baldwin captures more of John’s bewilderment by inviting two images of the psychological breakdown: the wood cracked down the middle by an ax and rocks breaking up. John’s mind is searching for the right image and can’t decide, so it must try out both. Logic wobbles here, with the first “had” phrase lumped with the previous “that” series. A more composed mind would have grouped similar structures together.
Then comes the dependent clause, beginning with “so that John,” and now we come to balance (the pairing of twos) with anaphora (continuing the “had” sequence) and the use of two correlative conjunctions, using the structure, not/but only
1. had not felt the wound, but only the agony
2. had not felt the fall, but only the fear
This conjunction creates a contrast, emphasizing what John did, in fact, feel. The physical wounds are secondary to the emotional ones. Yet, because of the nature of the correlative conjunction, which is a pairing, we know there are both physical and emotional wounds.
The sentence ends with the physical world and the body, with the sentence still staggering along with the small phrases and commas: “and lay here, now, helpless, screaming, at the very bottom of darkness.”
Again, the sentence moves slowly with the small phrases and commas. By the end of this sentence, John is still in the moment of rupture and the unknown sensation of immense anguish. Baldwin’s metaphor at the very end makes the darkness tangible, an entity in the world, and he does this by giving it a bottom.
Your Turn
This architecture is for a moment when your character has fallen out of the known world.
Begin with a right-branching sentence, your subject and verb predicate. In the following prepositional phrase, you want to signal the disorientation by using two images. Baldwin used head and heart. Can you use parallelism?
Add a semi-colon, and now we have the consequence of the opening of the sentence: what is the resulting emotion?
Add three clauses that further describe the emotion (here’s the “that” series). Use anaphora.
Now write three new predicates that use the verb from the opening of the sentence. Put the first of this series with the former clauses. Add a semi-colon and add the second one. After the second new predicate, add two different images that elaborate on the feeling. Use another semi-colon and add the third one.
Now comes your dependent clause and two correlative conjunctions.
One more semicolon. Can you use a metaphor, giving tangibility to what is usually intangible?
Try it! Remember, you don’t have to use the exact architecture. Let it spur you to create something new. (Thank you, subscriber, for sending me this amazing sentence!)
What else do you see?
About Me:
I’ve taught “Style in Fiction,” “Word for Word” and “Cultivating Your Prose” at the University of San Francisco and Stanford Continuing Studies since 2007.
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@nina schuyler Nina shows you a magic trick and then goes behind the curtain to show you how it was done. It doesn't mean that you can now do it; it only means that she opened up the deep yearning to be able to do it, to create wine from water on a blank page where thoughts and emotions turn into a momentary reality with shape and form and the ability to change the world outside that page.
Generally, I'm not a short story reader but I just pre-ordered Nina's book "In This Ravishing World."
Wow what a sentence! Your analysis of it is so insightful. I’ve never dived this deep into the nuts and bolts of how we use language in our stories before. I’ve always focused on character but my aim for my craft this year is to develop my writing at a sentence level so that it shines. Nina, your Substack is definitely helping me with that! Thank you! I’m going to do this writing exercise very soon.