And she had crackly skin that got electric shocks when she touched car doors or other people’s coats, and she had very red lips, and dents like thumb prints in the squashy skin on her thighs.
Weathering, by Lucy Wood
You can probably guess that this sentence is from the point of view of a child. It’s the diction that gives it away. Pepper, six years old, is describing her mother.
This sentence reminds writers how much we have to use the Stanislavski method and become the character, experiencing the world through the character’s vantage point. This is especially true when writing from a child’s point of view. Part of the charm of this novel was the chance to experience how Pepper saw the world (as well at the language throughout, thank you, Lucy Wood). For a child, causation is often put together in a haphazard, associative way. In Wood’s sentence, for instance, there is an implicit causation linking crackly skin to electric shocks.
Metaphors and similes are also used by children as they try to make sense of the world. This is where imaginative leaps and play come in, as you inhabit a child’s mind. What images are not usually found together? In this sentence, Pepper compares her mother’s cellulite to thumb prints dented on squashy skin.
Children often speak in simple sentences or string together independent clauses with the conjunction “and.” This sentence opens with a conjunction and has two independent clauses:
1. And she had crackly skin
2. and she had very red lips…
Woven into these clauses are two dependent clauses that add specificity and invoke diction from a child (“got” versus “experienced”):
1. that got electric shocks
2. when she touched car doors or other people’s coats.
Wood also invokes balance, the pairing of two for more rhythm, with most of her nouns modified by adjectives: crackly skin, electric shocks, thumb prints, squashy skin. The adjective/noun combination invites repeating rhythmic patterns. For instance: VE-ry RED LIPS…. like THUMB PRINTS (heavy stresses capitalized).
At the big picture level, Wood uses series, the threes, for rhythm, noting three details about her mother, her skin, lips and dents on her thighs.
Music is beautifully woven into this sentence, pleasing the ear:
Assonance: the short “i” sound: skin/ electric/ lips/ prints; and the long “i”: like/ thighs
Alliteration: crackly/car/coats; skin/squashy
What stands out for me, because they are rare in this sentence, are the long vowel sounds: “coats” and “thighs.” Interestingly, these two words are placed at the end of a phrase.
Your Turn
Try writing from the point of view of a child.
Open with the conjunction “and” and follow with your first independent clause. Add two dependent clauses that further elaborate on something in the independent clause.
Add the conjunction “and” and write your second independent clause. In this clause use the same subject as your first independent clause (Wood used “she”) and add two more details about the subject.
Can you use a simile? Can you use the adjective/noun combination?
Is there room for assonance and alliteration? Balance and series?
Tell me, how did go?
What do you see in this sentence?
About Me:
I’ve taught “Style in Fiction,” “Word for Word” and “Cultivating Your Prose” at the University of San Francisco and Stanford Continuing Studies since 2007. I’ve watched my writing and my students’ writing blossom with this practice of paying close attention to the sentence.
Please visit my website to find all of my books: ninaschuyler.com (including “How to Write Stunning Sentences” and “Stunning Sentences: A Creative Writing Journal).
My New Novel:
Afterword is available now! If your book club chooses my book to read, I can Zoom in and talk to the group. I’ve met with many book clubs, and it’s really fun! If you’ve read my novel please consider posting a review on Amazon or Goodreads or social media.
Thank you!
Order links:
bookshop
Amazon
Clash Books
ZYZZYVA Interview
Zyzzyva’s Laura Cogan’s brilliant questions prodded me to think more deeply about my novel, AI, what is a human, the real vs. the virtual world, writing the past, and a lot more. So grateful for her questions and her interest. Here is the link:
Upcoming Class:
I’m excited to teach a class for Zyzzyva on November 4th, 11:00-2:00 PST, on Zoom, “The Past is Always Happening: On Writing about Time.”
Time is a container for every story. Yet too often we focus intently on the event that upended the ordinary world, minimizing or ignoring the past. Writing advice often reinforces this, sometimes turning it into a rule. If this theory of time turns rigid, your story may be stripped of complicated motivations and depth. Characters are, after all, amalgamations of all that has happened to them, all that has been inherited, including the familial, cultural, and historical. Moreover, the past can be as dynamic, lively, and intense as the present. In this class, we’ll look at excerpts from short stories and novels that welcome the past. We’ll consider pieces that dedicate entire sections to the past as well as stories that let the past sprinkle in like breadcrumbs. We’ll examine the effect of these approaches on character and story. Generative writing exercises will let you explore different strategies to usher in the past, improving your understanding of time in narration.
To register:
The Newsletter:
Finally, if this newsletter is valuable to you, consider becoming a Patreon supporter for as little as $5 per month. Here are the instructions on how to do that:
Thank you!
And at the sand dune beach the water was cold and swishy around my feet and the seagulls were loud in the sky, and my dad he lifted me and let me ride way up on his shoulders so high I saw all the way where the streaky orange sun was falling through the clouds into the ocean at Hawaii.
This was fun for me - trying to imagine my son's voice (who is only semi-verbal) to describe a favorite toy of his when he was younger. I love when authors write in a way that is true to the age of the person, and it's so refreshing to see through the eyes of a child.
And the exercise ball was so smooth with tiny ridges going round that I rubbed with my fingers, and it was huge gray like an elephant, and rolled under my bounces thump-thump down the hall.