Rarely do I think about ' leaving a word out' to entice a reader. What a beautiful sentence and example of how an omission makes us reread, and think about what is implied. I also appreciate the way you break sentences into their fundamental parts, and explain the relationships between them.
This one was a challenge. I've imitated the general structure of the sentence, but couldn't for the life of me think of a good way to use ellipsis. I tried several times, and here are the few I came up with:
On shelves beside and above his neatly tucked bed his trophies, their silver tarnishing to a dull, flat grey, were a reminder of all that was lost.
From the dark outside her shuttered windows the boom of thunder and the crack of lightning shouted their answer to her meagre measure of courage.
In the deluge and looming dark, so untimely at this hour, in the rolling of thunder and flash of lightning, a small woman held close a sleeping child, a reminder that shelter is possible.
In the attic cavity overhead, muffled scurryings and scratchings were a sign of troubles to come.
This sentence works, and part of the reason for me is that my mind "autofilled" the word open the first time I read it. I didn't even notice that "open" was missing until I read your analysis. BUT, as an emerging writer (one that aspires to more literary than commercial memoir), I feel that if I dared to write such a sentence (assuming I could in the first place!), a teacher, or reader, or editor would be quick to point out my "error." And I would respond by adjusting the sentence to their expectations. Long way of asking, when do you know the use of such a technique is is compelling versus confusing?
Rarely do I think about ' leaving a word out' to entice a reader. What a beautiful sentence and example of how an omission makes us reread, and think about what is implied. I also appreciate the way you break sentences into their fundamental parts, and explain the relationships between them.
This one was a challenge. I've imitated the general structure of the sentence, but couldn't for the life of me think of a good way to use ellipsis. I tried several times, and here are the few I came up with:
On shelves beside and above his neatly tucked bed his trophies, their silver tarnishing to a dull, flat grey, were a reminder of all that was lost.
From the dark outside her shuttered windows the boom of thunder and the crack of lightning shouted their answer to her meagre measure of courage.
In the deluge and looming dark, so untimely at this hour, in the rolling of thunder and flash of lightning, a small woman held close a sleeping child, a reminder that shelter is possible.
In the attic cavity overhead, muffled scurryings and scratchings were a sign of troubles to come.
This sentence works, and part of the reason for me is that my mind "autofilled" the word open the first time I read it. I didn't even notice that "open" was missing until I read your analysis. BUT, as an emerging writer (one that aspires to more literary than commercial memoir), I feel that if I dared to write such a sentence (assuming I could in the first place!), a teacher, or reader, or editor would be quick to point out my "error." And I would respond by adjusting the sentence to their expectations. Long way of asking, when do you know the use of such a technique is is compelling versus confusing?
What is left out. Love it. Thinking about how powerful that is to leave out "open". Simple, yet...