In the high branches there are five chicks, with hopeful beaks, peaking from the compact nest, each angling for room, still greedy though their mother had brought breakfast not long since.
Wonderful! I feel myself sorting and thinking of possible associations for their "hopeful beaks." (yes, peeking). They're still hungry? They're vying for mom's attention? Both? I love how the subordinate clause with the concessive conjunction introduces complication and surprise.
Oh, yes! So you've kept open the possible interpretations of their hands touching. Instead of closing down the interpretations, you create wonderful ambiguity--is the touch intentional or not? What is the nature of the relationship between these characters? The reader doesn't know and the characters might not know.
We took a room with two green shutter windows that let in the morning church bells, shared a wash basin, although not yet a bed and the sheets hinted of lemon.
Beautiful! The sentence prepares me for romance but the concessive conjunction upsets this reader's expectations and now you've heightened tension. I love the precision of the sensory details. "The two green shutter windows"; I hear the church bells and the hint of lemon. The narrator has smelled the sheets and now there is an anticipatory element.
(by way of thanks) With the sun yawning and peeking over the treelined quilt, he pondered over the curated image, positioned to capture the discerning eye, hung on the gallery sentence wall, although it was always prey to the editor’s red pen and readers’ comments.
Down the street roared a cop car, lined with the guffawed punctuated with glitter, jittering with anticipation, even though the parade would trundle by in half an hour.
So much imagery in this sentence, which mimics the gathering of crowds for the parade! I think you need a comma between "guffawed" and "punctuated." Am I reading this right?
After ordering black tea (no sugar), I settle into my habitual cafe spot, on a chocolate brown sofa tucked up against an open window, comfortably cocooned, although my mind continued to twist with subterranean sadness and a mysterious objectless anger.
So good! The "comfortably cocooned" sets up the reader expectation that the narrator is relaxed. But the concessive conjunction comes along and upends that. Whatever is bothering the narrator won't be alleviated by habitual action or the comfort of the setting.
When a unicyclist wove down Fifth Avenue during rush hour, with arms out for balance, a beat-up Chevy moved towards the lane marker, even though the lane ahead was clear.
Note: I was revising this sentence over and over this morning, and then remembered the concessive conjunction in the exercise today, and found it helped me solve the problem, but not quite as you suggested. I'm also unsure whether 'soon forgot' and 'instead' build on each other or work against each other.
Bound to the darkness by soft, invisible ropes of sensual delights, abundant gifts, luxurious foods, flattery, and ever-lasting celebration, Lady Sun soon forgot Mother Necessity’s decree ordering her to drive the disk-laden wagon across the sky each day, instead she lingered a while longer.
With the long list of what inhabits the darkness--all the sensuality of it--I am convinced Lady Sun would forget Mother Necessity's decree. My only recommendation would be to use a semicolon or a period after "day." That would create a little rupture between the demand and the refusal to act upon the demand. I think "soon forget" and "instead" work together.
In the high branches there are five chicks, with hopeful beaks, peaking from the compact nest, each angling for room, still greedy though their mother had brought breakfast not long since.
Wonderful! I feel myself sorting and thinking of possible associations for their "hopeful beaks." (yes, peeking). They're still hungry? They're vying for mom's attention? Both? I love how the subordinate clause with the concessive conjunction introduces complication and surprise.
Thanks, Nina. I’ll remember the concessive conjunction from now on :-)
Me too!!
oh, how I love baby-bird time. Right now my neighbor and I are watching the wren nesting box.
I think 'peaking' rather than 'peeking'? Not sure!
Thanks Nina, another wonderful sentence.
My effort:
They were walking down the hill, side-by-side with a synchronised stride, hands touching, although you couldn’t tell if it was intentional or not.
Oh, yes! So you've kept open the possible interpretations of their hands touching. Instead of closing down the interpretations, you create wonderful ambiguity--is the touch intentional or not? What is the nature of the relationship between these characters? The reader doesn't know and the characters might not know.
We took a room with two green shutter windows that let in the morning church bells, shared a wash basin, although not yet a bed and the sheets hinted of lemon.
Beautiful! The sentence prepares me for romance but the concessive conjunction upsets this reader's expectations and now you've heightened tension. I love the precision of the sensory details. "The two green shutter windows"; I hear the church bells and the hint of lemon. The narrator has smelled the sheets and now there is an anticipatory element.
(by way of thanks) With the sun yawning and peeking over the treelined quilt, he pondered over the curated image, positioned to capture the discerning eye, hung on the gallery sentence wall, although it was always prey to the editor’s red pen and readers’ comments.
Ha! So good!!
Down the street roared a cop car, lined with the guffawed punctuated with glitter, jittering with anticipation, even though the parade would trundle by in half an hour.
So much imagery in this sentence, which mimics the gathering of crowds for the parade! I think you need a comma between "guffawed" and "punctuated." Am I reading this right?
Yes indeed, a comma would be in order. First, I had gaffawed gazers and then deleted gazers just before hitting send.
I find these exercises extremely helpful and the open generosity of your spirit a breath of fresh air.
Omg, I love Plainsong and Kent Haruf! Great post, Nina. I'm going to try this exercise!
I'm so glad!
A gentle toe into such a gently beautiful book. Thank you.
After ordering black tea (no sugar), I settle into my habitual cafe spot, on a chocolate brown sofa tucked up against an open window, comfortably cocooned, although my mind continued to twist with subterranean sadness and a mysterious objectless anger.
So good! The "comfortably cocooned" sets up the reader expectation that the narrator is relaxed. But the concessive conjunction comes along and upends that. Whatever is bothering the narrator won't be alleviated by habitual action or the comfort of the setting.
When a unicyclist wove down Fifth Avenue during rush hour, with arms out for balance, a beat-up Chevy moved towards the lane marker, even though the lane ahead was clear.
Note: I was revising this sentence over and over this morning, and then remembered the concessive conjunction in the exercise today, and found it helped me solve the problem, but not quite as you suggested. I'm also unsure whether 'soon forgot' and 'instead' build on each other or work against each other.
Bound to the darkness by soft, invisible ropes of sensual delights, abundant gifts, luxurious foods, flattery, and ever-lasting celebration, Lady Sun soon forgot Mother Necessity’s decree ordering her to drive the disk-laden wagon across the sky each day, instead she lingered a while longer.
With the long list of what inhabits the darkness--all the sensuality of it--I am convinced Lady Sun would forget Mother Necessity's decree. My only recommendation would be to use a semicolon or a period after "day." That would create a little rupture between the demand and the refusal to act upon the demand. I think "soon forget" and "instead" work together.
I’ll be waking at 4.00am tomorrow, nervously looking skyward. Great work!
LOL Rather, it is a story of winter solstice. See my Substack chapter two, episode five later today after I post it.
So much richer when seen in context. I'll check out C2 E5.
Do you mean using an image?^^