This sentence is exquisite. There's this sense in its rhythm of things tumbling out of those hollows, as if those mind-pictures were a key that opened a forbidden Pandoras's box, and out tumbled the feelings and the drama.
I feel like you've captured the same tumbling out of rhythm. There's also a wonderful interplay between the outer world--cold water--then it moves into the body with the physical response of shivers. Then the movement is into the inner world of the mind with the cobwebs. You've captured the intricate weaving of humans with the outside world, how we are part of it, how we are influenced by it, not separate at all. So good! The echo of shivers helps the reader move with the sentence. (anadiplosis). There's the lovely alliteration, too, with "shackles" and more plosive sounds come in at the end with cobwebs and mind. A shift in sound.
Thank you so much for your feedback. Playing with your sentences has become my daily meditation and I've never felt more giddy with the pleasure of stringing words and sounds and meanings.
Here's my sentence. I've used a compound sentence, repetition of 'memories', and alliteration. I also tried to create a pleasing rhythm with stressed and less stressed syllables to enhance the meaning -
Her music was enmeshed with his memories; those memories tripped him up and sent him stumbling through his days.
Apropos. I'm having a problem with the following sentence:
Bones cease grumbling, fatigue quiets its groaning chant, and vigor—vigor seeps back, reminding me not to accept my age.
It seems like 'quiets its groaning chant' should work re dragging the chant out. Perhaps the length of the sentence and the rhythm of the last clause diminish it in some way?
As an aside, when I went back to work on this, after this post, I realized the fatigue clause is inspired by the words 'Gregorian chants'.
Maybe a Gregorian chant is the wrong accompaniment, too ongoing, and I need to pay attention to 'seeps' and the rhythm of tides:
Bones cease grumbling, fatigue ebbs and eases, until vigor—vigor seeps back, reminding me not to accept my age.
This sentence is exquisite. There's this sense in its rhythm of things tumbling out of those hollows, as if those mind-pictures were a key that opened a forbidden Pandoras's box, and out tumbled the feelings and the drama.
I gave the rhythm and alliteration a shot...
Cold water caused shivers,
and the shivers shook the shackles
of the cobwebs in her mind.
Victoria,
I feel like you've captured the same tumbling out of rhythm. There's also a wonderful interplay between the outer world--cold water--then it moves into the body with the physical response of shivers. Then the movement is into the inner world of the mind with the cobwebs. You've captured the intricate weaving of humans with the outside world, how we are part of it, how we are influenced by it, not separate at all. So good! The echo of shivers helps the reader move with the sentence. (anadiplosis). There's the lovely alliteration, too, with "shackles" and more plosive sounds come in at the end with cobwebs and mind. A shift in sound.
Thank you so much for your feedback. Playing with your sentences has become my daily meditation and I've never felt more giddy with the pleasure of stringing words and sounds and meanings.
Words written by a true writer. The love of language, of playing with words, trying new arrangements, sounds, all of it.
Here's my sentence. I've used a compound sentence, repetition of 'memories', and alliteration. I also tried to create a pleasing rhythm with stressed and less stressed syllables to enhance the meaning -
Her music was enmeshed with his memories; those memories tripped him up and sent him stumbling through his days.
Apropos. I'm having a problem with the following sentence:
Bones cease grumbling, fatigue quiets its groaning chant, and vigor—vigor seeps back, reminding me not to accept my age.
It seems like 'quiets its groaning chant' should work re dragging the chant out. Perhaps the length of the sentence and the rhythm of the last clause diminish it in some way?
As an aside, when I went back to work on this, after this post, I realized the fatigue clause is inspired by the words 'Gregorian chants'.
Maybe a Gregorian chant is the wrong accompaniment, too ongoing, and I need to pay attention to 'seeps' and the rhythm of tides:
Bones cease grumbling, fatigue ebbs and eases, until vigor—vigor seeps back, reminding me not to accept my age.
Thank you!