The real reason Muriel gardened every day was to watch her neighbours, or at least sneak a peek here and there, to see how joyful parents greeted children after school, to see what it felt like to be missed.
The "real reason" grabs me--to hear an honest motivation or desire or thought is tantalizing. So much is revealed by the end--an entire childhood, "to see what it felt like to be missed."
I agree with Konrad. You fooled me into seeing Muriel as a "Gladys Kravitz" kind of lady, then broke my heart when you brought in the joyful parents with their children. So compelling, Shawn!
It's interesting. I was originally going to go with a variation of the nosy neighbour theme and then thought, sometimes people are just lonely and don't know what to do about it. So, sometimes they garden hoping to make some sort of connection.
The sentence so skillfully brings together two opposing points of view: the nosy, small minded older neighbor and the lonliness of an older woman who may have been the young mother several decades ago and now can only take a vicarious pleasure in the younger generation that's replacing her. Ouf!
That's an interesting, helpful comment. It reminds me how much readers bring to the story. After all, the sentence itself does not have a lot of descriptors or adjectives, yet we all have experiences we can tap into to envision that scene vividly. Sometimes I'll write too much to spoon-feed the reader a scene when in reality, I need to leave enough space for the reader to tap into their own experiences as they read a story.
There are different styles. We call the one that leaves a lot out "minimalism," and the one that fills in all the details, "maximalism." There are writers who are on the extreme edge of both of these types of styles. Think Raymond Carver for minimalism and John Updike, Donna Tartt for maximalism.
This is beautifully crafted sentence that speaks to social isolation among the elderly and the devastation of the increasingly common and disastrous issue of family estrangement. Well done Shawn
The purpose of the Spanish Inquisition in Granada, if you ask the families of those imprisoned, was to extract hope from insincere Catholic converts, or at least money, for family fortunes bought freedom, while family poverty brought burning.
Really appreciate the clarity your sentence brings to the historical narrative of the Spanish Inquisition vs the every day usage, often as overstatement or comedic relief from Monty Python’s Flying Circus.
The parenthetical, "if you ask the families of those imprisoned," feels like I'm hearing how the truth--how people experienced the Spanish Inquisition rather than the political spin. The balance at the end creates such a good rhythm, along with the anaphora and antithesis. Great!
The purpose of my father sharing his bird-watching was to implant in us early in life a deep appreciation of the aesthetic beauty of the natural world, a pleasure that could be had at all times, for free, by the simple act of talking a walk.
I agree with Sarah! The longish sentence mimics walking along the path with father, looking for birds. I like the short prepositional phrase, "for free," as if the sentence stops and we look at a bird. There's a nice mix of register from "appreciation/aesthetic" and the more colloquial, "taking a walk."
My parents would wake us up soon past dawn on a Sunday morning, in suburban D.C. where was lived in the 60s, and take us five kids to hike along the C.O. canal, ending up at the Potomac Falls. My father would bird-watch, and occasionally share his binoculars and identify the birds. We were completely alone, and would scramble up the hilly terrain lining the path, sliding back down on leaves in the fall. It was glorious. At the falls we loved finding rock formations we could sit in.
I really had the most awesome childhood.
For you to hear our footsteps was unhoped for, but a great compliment. Thank you.
The actual necessity for sailing jargon as I understood it was to maintain the uppity attitude that would keep wannabes like me in the bar, dreaming, or at least onshore, watching, unlike Jack, who rolled his eyes every time I said “rope” instead of “line.”
Ha! I love the way the voice cuts through it all and says it like it is: "maintain the uppity attitude..." You're either in or out. Then the evidence of this at the end with "rope" versus "line," and Jack rolling his eyes. It's "jargon," versus something more highfalutin, like "lexicon" or "terminology."
Thanks so much, Terry! This sentence was really satisfying: Bruce (my hubs) actually said it & we wrote it in the memoir, and in two tweaks and a shuffle, it fit today's brief!
The purpose of the Michelin star, ask any chef who has spent three days watching a single bubble hesitate in pale fat, is to reduce duck confit from the dish you taste and toss, hapless duck after duck, into a number that cannot stop defining you.
So good! A conversational tone enters via the parenthetical, and it delays the verb, creating suspense. I love the image and the heavier stresses of "pale fat." Nice balance and alliteration with "taste and toss." I mean it! That little flurry of music adds so much. And also "hapless duck after duck," creates a real sense of how hard this is. The more I see the sentence in use, the more I appreciate its architecture!
I love how the rhetorical/conversational 'question' speaks to the narrator's experience and frustration, highlighted by the rest of the sentence, hapless duck after duck! So fun!
The reason her mother had pulled her out of school in eighth grade, had not been to help her clean houses, as she had claimed, but to prevent her from meeting boys at parties, from marrying the wrong man, as she had done, and to keep her baby all to herself, at home where she would be safe from unacceptable influences.
This opening, "the reason," gets my attention, promising to cut through the guile and deception (we have enough of it these days). Whoever is figuring out the real reason has clarity of vision and understanding of human motivation. There is that short dependent clause, "as she had done," which disrupts the linear flow and provides core motivation. So much accomplished with that clause! And the diction, "her baby," reveals a lot about mom. I love the vagueness of "unacceptable influences," which could be everything.
You create a very clear picture of the character with a great example of how the external rationale does not always match the inner motive. And that is probably the seed of future mother-daughter conflicts because if she is lying in this situation ... she is probably willing to lie in other situations, albeit under the guise of protecting her daughter. Nice!
The purpose of this meeting, granted I’m the one saying this, is to bring about understanding, or at least ameliorate relationships between those who dished out the rules and those who willingly broke them.
I love the parenthetical, an admission, of sorts, revealing bias, "I'm the one saying this." I love the different registers of "ameliorate" versus "dished out the rules." The narrator can travel in many social circles.
The admonition from her mentor in nursing school that when one is not part of the solution they are part of the problem had resonated in a profound way with Jayce, several months after beginning her dream job on a pediatric organ transplant unit where maintaining the dysfunctional status quo at all costs was the order of the day.
Indeed. Approximately 85% of the available literature on workplace bullying was gleaned from studying the nursing profession, shocking, I know. The German industrial psychologist Heinz Leymann studied thousands of nurses in the 1980’s and found their stress levels from mistreatment in the workplace paralleled those of concentration camp survivors.
Leaving aside the brochure’s worthy aims, my motive for enrolling in an Italian for Beginners course was to build a passable grab bag of phrases and vocabulary that could be understood, or at least acknowledged in an honorary way, by those who breathed the language and prise begrudging remarks from those who did not.
Such nice balance at the end with anaphor with "by those who breathed the language and prise begrudging remarks from those who did not." With "passable grab bag," you extend the narrator's register range.
Fine sentence, Richard. Neatly understated. I think I could learn from this :-) And I liked ‘grab bag’. I’ve added that to my expression bank. Thank you
Thanks Terry. Have to stop tweaking / editing the sentence. Tobias Wolff was a big first love when it came to my reading and writing (even middle-named my son after him). So I'm keen to do this exercise justice.
Becoming an ex-patriate so I thought was to play act in a technicolor movie that would run reel after reel, or at least until my skin browned and toughened, but then love took a hold of me and leaving became an impossibility.
The image of a Technicolor movie offers a different, original lens through which to look at expat life. And it conveys so much about the narrator. She's there and also standing outside of life, objectively watching the life being lived. "Reel after reel," also conveys this sense. "But" turns the sentence in a new direction. For me, the movie life became real: "love took hold of me," and the sense of transience vanished.
I love this so much, Anne, because I became an expatriate and thought it'd go on forever (had a job and a baby there and everything!), and then love broke my heart and I came home feeling like an outcast. A technicolor movie of a different sort...!
Maracaibo, Venezuela, beginning January 24, 1992, about two weeks before the first of two coups by Chávez. My kids and I left in June 1996, before he had a strong foothold.
"...or at least civility." That is the bomb at the end of the run. His entire book in four words. His childhood, too. This is the best memoir I know. Heartbreaking and true and brutal. Great teaching, Nina. 🐦⬛
The main purpose of her life, as Ramona understood it from mother from a young age, was to stay out of her way as much as possible, not ruffle, rattle or rouse her ire, at a minimum to be quiet and trespass on her space as only a passing shadow. She was reasonably dutiful on the outside with the expectable childish slippages of spontaneity, spunk, and silliness; on the inside she was wildly blooming a Lucy-in-the Sky with diamonds metropolis that fed a vibrant, vivacious, vivid imagination that formed the beginnings of her becoming a structured, sufficing being. She definitely, defiantly, deliciously survived.
So good! Ramona can smell/see the truth of what her mother wants. Beautiful rhythm with the series and alliteration, "ruffle, rattle or rouse" her ire. Balance with "quiet and trespass." Another series with alliteration: "spontaneity, spunk, and silliness"; "vibrant, vivacious, vivid imagination"; and "definitely, defiantly, deliciously."
The contrast between the outside and the inside is fantastic and creates such tension.
The reason my social studies teacher handed me a shoehorn to tap along in front of the class as I guessed later was to impart a connection between the strange sounds of Epic Greek and the underlying patterns of meter from my ear to my hand, to connect to Homeric splendor and to distinguish those of us who had rhythm in their bellies from those, like myself, who adopted cold feet of avoidance.
Such a great image, that shoehorn tapping along in front of class. And the narrator sleuths out several reasons for this technique. Great balance and anaphora at the end with the repetition of "those."
The main purpose of rehearsal for all I could tell was to establish the rhythm according to the drummer’s drunken state of mind, work out some passable vocal harmonies without insulting the lead singer who sounded and acted too much like Jelly Belly and finish off a keg of beer.
The main purpose of going to the dance class was so she could collect gossip from the local know it alls, or at least some information, about those couples living in her street.
The real reason Muriel gardened every day was to watch her neighbours, or at least sneak a peek here and there, to see how joyful parents greeted children after school, to see what it felt like to be missed.
The "real reason" grabs me--to hear an honest motivation or desire or thought is tantalizing. So much is revealed by the end--an entire childhood, "to see what it felt like to be missed."
I agree with Konrad. You fooled me into seeing Muriel as a "Gladys Kravitz" kind of lady, then broke my heart when you brought in the joyful parents with their children. So compelling, Shawn!
It's interesting. I was originally going to go with a variation of the nosy neighbour theme and then thought, sometimes people are just lonely and don't know what to do about it. So, sometimes they garden hoping to make some sort of connection.
The sentence so skillfully brings together two opposing points of view: the nosy, small minded older neighbor and the lonliness of an older woman who may have been the young mother several decades ago and now can only take a vicarious pleasure in the younger generation that's replacing her. Ouf!
It builds up to a very powerful last line
Love this, Shawn—so much much depth.
That's an interesting, helpful comment. It reminds me how much readers bring to the story. After all, the sentence itself does not have a lot of descriptors or adjectives, yet we all have experiences we can tap into to envision that scene vividly. Sometimes I'll write too much to spoon-feed the reader a scene when in reality, I need to leave enough space for the reader to tap into their own experiences as they read a story.
There are different styles. We call the one that leaves a lot out "minimalism," and the one that fills in all the details, "maximalism." There are writers who are on the extreme edge of both of these types of styles. Think Raymond Carver for minimalism and John Updike, Donna Tartt for maximalism.
This is beautifully crafted sentence that speaks to social isolation among the elderly and the devastation of the increasingly common and disastrous issue of family estrangement. Well done Shawn
Beautiful written generating gratifying dopamine fueled feel good images.
The clear imagery of this sentence heightens the emotional impact of the last phrase
So good , we all know what neighbor snooping while gardening is (the colloquial) then the warm greeting vs being missed contrast.
The purpose of the Spanish Inquisition in Granada, if you ask the families of those imprisoned, was to extract hope from insincere Catholic converts, or at least money, for family fortunes bought freedom, while family poverty brought burning.
I enjoyed the stark clarity of this sentence
Thanks Anne.
Really appreciate the clarity your sentence brings to the historical narrative of the Spanish Inquisition vs the every day usage, often as overstatement or comedic relief from Monty Python’s Flying Circus.
agree!
You are man who works! 🩺 The "insincere" makes a perfect distinction.
The parenthetical, "if you ask the families of those imprisoned," feels like I'm hearing how the truth--how people experienced the Spanish Inquisition rather than the political spin. The balance at the end creates such a good rhythm, along with the anaphora and antithesis. Great!
I love the contrast at the end between those who could buy their freedom and those who burned. Very poignant.
The purpose of my father sharing his bird-watching was to implant in us early in life a deep appreciation of the aesthetic beauty of the natural world, a pleasure that could be had at all times, for free, by the simple act of talking a walk.
I agree with Sarah! The longish sentence mimics walking along the path with father, looking for birds. I like the short prepositional phrase, "for free," as if the sentence stops and we look at a bird. There's a nice mix of register from "appreciation/aesthetic" and the more colloquial, "taking a walk."
Mark, I don't know if it was intentional or not, but I can almost hear your family's footfalls on the path when I read the sentence aloud! So cool!
My parents would wake us up soon past dawn on a Sunday morning, in suburban D.C. where was lived in the 60s, and take us five kids to hike along the C.O. canal, ending up at the Potomac Falls. My father would bird-watch, and occasionally share his binoculars and identify the birds. We were completely alone, and would scramble up the hilly terrain lining the path, sliding back down on leaves in the fall. It was glorious. At the falls we loved finding rock formations we could sit in.
I really had the most awesome childhood.
For you to hear our footsteps was unhoped for, but a great compliment. Thank you.
Beautiful memory!
“For free!” A powerful incentive especially in my mother’s post-depression era.
The sentiment in this sentence is simple, and very complex, at the same time. Nice!
The actual necessity for sailing jargon as I understood it was to maintain the uppity attitude that would keep wannabes like me in the bar, dreaming, or at least onshore, watching, unlike Jack, who rolled his eyes every time I said “rope” instead of “line.”
Ha! I love the way the voice cuts through it all and says it like it is: "maintain the uppity attitude..." You're either in or out. Then the evidence of this at the end with "rope" versus "line," and Jack rolling his eyes. It's "jargon," versus something more highfalutin, like "lexicon" or "terminology."
Thank you, Nina. This is straight from my hubby's early days on the boat...
So funny!
The writer takes an angle of approach in tone and use of words that mocks both sailor and landlubber.
What a neat put-down of pretence. And you’re mining your favourite nautical world, Sarah. I loved reading this one.
Thanks so much, Terry! This sentence was really satisfying: Bruce (my hubs) actually said it & we wrote it in the memoir, and in two tweaks and a shuffle, it fit today's brief!
This says it all for the sailing douche set and bar scene at yacht clubs inciting my first audible laugh of the day. Great job
Laughter is the best compliment, Diane! Thank you!
The purpose of the Michelin star, ask any chef who has spent three days watching a single bubble hesitate in pale fat, is to reduce duck confit from the dish you taste and toss, hapless duck after duck, into a number that cannot stop defining you.
So good! A conversational tone enters via the parenthetical, and it delays the verb, creating suspense. I love the image and the heavier stresses of "pale fat." Nice balance and alliteration with "taste and toss." I mean it! That little flurry of music adds so much. And also "hapless duck after duck," creates a real sense of how hard this is. The more I see the sentence in use, the more I appreciate its architecture!
Thank you, Nina. Savage sentence, fun to write.
Very clever, always so well worded , confining the kitchen travails to duck fat vis a vis Michelin stars.
Thank you, Diane
“Pale fat” announced that this sentence would unfold with other painfully delicious words and humor
Thank you, Anne
I love how the rhetorical/conversational 'question' speaks to the narrator's experience and frustration, highlighted by the rest of the sentence, hapless duck after duck! So fun!
Thank you, Sarah
The reason her mother had pulled her out of school in eighth grade, had not been to help her clean houses, as she had claimed, but to prevent her from meeting boys at parties, from marrying the wrong man, as she had done, and to keep her baby all to herself, at home where she would be safe from unacceptable influences.
This opening, "the reason," gets my attention, promising to cut through the guile and deception (we have enough of it these days). Whoever is figuring out the real reason has clarity of vision and understanding of human motivation. There is that short dependent clause, "as she had done," which disrupts the linear flow and provides core motivation. So much accomplished with that clause! And the diction, "her baby," reveals a lot about mom. I love the vagueness of "unacceptable influences," which could be everything.
You create a very clear picture of the character with a great example of how the external rationale does not always match the inner motive. And that is probably the seed of future mother-daughter conflicts because if she is lying in this situation ... she is probably willing to lie in other situations, albeit under the guise of protecting her daughter. Nice!
You find an easy clarity with this very smooth sentence but with lots of clever angles.
The purpose of this meeting, granted I’m the one saying this, is to bring about understanding, or at least ameliorate relationships between those who dished out the rules and those who willingly broke them.
I love the parenthetical, an admission, of sorts, revealing bias, "I'm the one saying this." I love the different registers of "ameliorate" versus "dished out the rules." The narrator can travel in many social circles.
Thank you, Nina!
The admonition from her mentor in nursing school that when one is not part of the solution they are part of the problem had resonated in a profound way with Jayce, several months after beginning her dream job on a pediatric organ transplant unit where maintaining the dysfunctional status quo at all costs was the order of the day.
The fact that this ordinary human dilemma takes place in a pediatric organ transplant unit is devastating.
Indeed. Approximately 85% of the available literature on workplace bullying was gleaned from studying the nursing profession, shocking, I know. The German industrial psychologist Heinz Leymann studied thousands of nurses in the 1980’s and found their stress levels from mistreatment in the workplace paralleled those of concentration camp survivors.
I like the dream job / dysfunctional status quo contrast
Thank you Konrad
Leaving aside the brochure’s worthy aims, my motive for enrolling in an Italian for Beginners course was to build a passable grab bag of phrases and vocabulary that could be understood, or at least acknowledged in an honorary way, by those who breathed the language and prise begrudging remarks from those who did not.
Such nice balance at the end with anaphor with "by those who breathed the language and prise begrudging remarks from those who did not." With "passable grab bag," you extend the narrator's register range.
Fine sentence, Richard. Neatly understated. I think I could learn from this :-) And I liked ‘grab bag’. I’ve added that to my expression bank. Thank you
Thanks Terry. Have to stop tweaking / editing the sentence. Tobias Wolff was a big first love when it came to my reading and writing (even middle-named my son after him). So I'm keen to do this exercise justice.
Becoming an ex-patriate so I thought was to play act in a technicolor movie that would run reel after reel, or at least until my skin browned and toughened, but then love took a hold of me and leaving became an impossibility.
The image of a Technicolor movie offers a different, original lens through which to look at expat life. And it conveys so much about the narrator. She's there and also standing outside of life, objectively watching the life being lived. "Reel after reel," also conveys this sense. "But" turns the sentence in a new direction. For me, the movie life became real: "love took hold of me," and the sense of transience vanished.
I love this so much, Anne, because I became an expatriate and thought it'd go on forever (had a job and a baby there and everything!), and then love broke my heart and I came home feeling like an outcast. A technicolor movie of a different sort...!
Where??
Maracaibo, Venezuela, beginning January 24, 1992, about two weeks before the first of two coups by Chávez. My kids and I left in June 1996, before he had a strong foothold.
"...or at least civility." That is the bomb at the end of the run. His entire book in four words. His childhood, too. This is the best memoir I know. Heartbreaking and true and brutal. Great teaching, Nina. 🐦⬛
Just about to choose my next Libro audiobook. Think I shall download this.
So good. I'm inspired to teach it again. Have you read any of Bernard Copper? Truth Serum? A Bill From My Father?
No, I shall put him in my queue.
So true! I love this memoir, too. Thank you, Jennifer!
The main purpose of her life, as Ramona understood it from mother from a young age, was to stay out of her way as much as possible, not ruffle, rattle or rouse her ire, at a minimum to be quiet and trespass on her space as only a passing shadow. She was reasonably dutiful on the outside with the expectable childish slippages of spontaneity, spunk, and silliness; on the inside she was wildly blooming a Lucy-in-the Sky with diamonds metropolis that fed a vibrant, vivacious, vivid imagination that formed the beginnings of her becoming a structured, sufficing being. She definitely, defiantly, deliciously survived.
So good! Ramona can smell/see the truth of what her mother wants. Beautiful rhythm with the series and alliteration, "ruffle, rattle or rouse" her ire. Balance with "quiet and trespass." Another series with alliteration: "spontaneity, spunk, and silliness"; "vibrant, vivacious, vivid imagination"; and "definitely, defiantly, deliciously."
The contrast between the outside and the inside is fantastic and creates such tension.
The reason my social studies teacher handed me a shoehorn to tap along in front of the class as I guessed later was to impart a connection between the strange sounds of Epic Greek and the underlying patterns of meter from my ear to my hand, to connect to Homeric splendor and to distinguish those of us who had rhythm in their bellies from those, like myself, who adopted cold feet of avoidance.
Such a great image, that shoehorn tapping along in front of class. And the narrator sleuths out several reasons for this technique. Great balance and anaphora at the end with the repetition of "those."
The main purpose of rehearsal for all I could tell was to establish the rhythm according to the drummer’s drunken state of mind, work out some passable vocal harmonies without insulting the lead singer who sounded and acted too much like Jelly Belly and finish off a keg of beer.
So good! The clear-eyed gaze at the truth! I love the "drummer's drunken state of mind." Sounds like the makings of a story!
Thank you so much for a wonderful week of sentences last week, Nina.
The main purpose of going to the dance class was so she could collect gossip from the local know it alls, or at least some information, about those couples living in her street.