Wandering around the cages, he slowly realizes that, as a result of the mysterious pill, he can understand the language of the animals, who are, it turns out, viciously mocking the zoo-goers, whom they consider idiots and frauds and brutes.
The Topeka School, by Ben Lerner
We talk about pacing in a story, but there’s also pacing in a sentence. Last week, we saw how anacoluthon can create silence in a sentence.
In Lerner’s sentence, it’s the comma (so misunderstood) and it creates a pace of repeated silences or pauses that make this sentence jagged, stumbling along, simulating the adverb “slowly”: “he slowly realizes that…”
Seven commas separate little phrases and clauses, many of which are relative clauses, beginning with the pronouns “that,” “who,” and “whom.” This type of clause provides more information about a noun (who and whom for people; which for all nouns except people; that for all nouns; whose to show possession).
Lerner could have used three sentences, which would have eliminated many of the commas and relative clauses:
Wandering around the cages, he slowly realizes that the animals are viciously mocking the zoo-goers. This realization is due to the mysterious pill. The animals consider the zoo-keepers idiots and frauds and brutes.
But this structure is divorced from the act of “slowly” realizing. Because the realization is strange, defying realism, both the protagonist and the reader need time to digest it and the commas help us do that. And Lerner’s structure collapses the narrative distance; we feel like we’re experiencing this realization in real time.
Part of the pacing, too, comes from syntax. Lerner uses a left-branching sentence that eventually turns into a mid-branching sentence. He delays the sentence’s subject by opening with an adjectival phrase that establishes the setting, locating the protagonist in a particular place: “Wandering around the cages.”
Now we come to the base clause, with the subject and verb and the beginning of a relative clause: “he slowly realizes that…”
We must wait to discover what he realizes because more modifying information comes in via the phrase “as a result of the mysterious pill.” Because of this interrupting modifier, the sentence becomes mid-branching. The result is a further slowing down and suspense.
After this, the relative clause continues: “he slowly realizes that….he can understand the language of the animals.” Another relative clause follows, along with a comma, “who are..” The next interruption is an independent clause, “it turns out.” This three-word clause is a phatic expression, not offering information of intrinsic value but more akin to small talk, conversation for its own sake. It introduces a colloquial sound as if the protagonist is talking to us.
The relative clause is picked up and continued with “who are…viciously mocking the zoo-goers.”
Lerner uses another relative clause to describe how the animals view the zoo-goers, “whom they consider idiots and frauds and brutes.” Here, too, the sentence slows with the use of polysyndeton, the overuse of a conjunction (and), and the use of series (threes.)
Your Turn
Open with an adjectival phrase that establishes the setting.
Now comes your base clause with your subject and verb and the pronoun of a relative clause. Since you’re practicing, you can use the verb “realizes” and the relative pronoun “that.”
Interrupt the relative clause with a phrase, adding more information about the subject of your sentence.
Return to your first relative clause and finish the realization.
Use a relative clause to modify a noun in the previous clause. Use only part of the relative clause, and before you finish it, insert a phatic expression.
Finish the previous relative clause.
Add one more relative clause that modifies something in the previous relative clause. Can you use series and polysyndeton?
How did it go?
What else do you see?
About The Topeka School: Adam Gordon is a senior at Topeka High School, class of ’97. His mother, Jane, is a famous feminist author; his father, Jonathan, is an expert at getting “lost boys” to open up. They both work at a psychiatric clinic that has attracted staff and patients from around the world. Adam is a renowned debater, expected to win a national championship before he heads to college. He is one of the cool kids, ready to fight or, better, freestyle about fighting if it keeps his peers from thinking of him as weak. Adam is also one of the seniors who bring the loner Darren Eberheart―who is, unbeknownst to Adam, his father’s patient―into the social scene, to disastrous effect.
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I’ve taught “Style in Fiction,” “Word for Word” and “Cultivating Your Prose” at the University of San Francisco and Stanford Continuing Studies since 2007.
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I was trying for a fairy tale tone…
Blocking out the rustle around her, Fir slowly senses that, because of her horizontal lean, she can make out the whisper from the deciduous trees, that are, unbeknownst to many, secretly sneering at their admirers, that they designate as acolytes and flunkeys and yes-men.
I’m just discovering your wonderful work here, and I’ve decided to anticipate your autopsy results to test whether I’m clever or not. This time it did not go well.
I thought it was recitativo until the rhythm and narrative payoff of the last five words! It felt like the zoo animals were flicking out playing cards like gangsters and indicating at the visitors with their chins.
Might some of the satisfaction of the lurching ending be a result of the setup that precedes it? Do the hairpin turns around the commas serve the comma less punches at the end do you think?