Blocking out the rustle around her, Fir slowly senses that, because of her horizontal lean, she can make out the whisper from the deciduous trees, that are, unbeknownst to many, secretly sneering at their admirers, that they designate as acolytes and flunkeys and yes-men.
I’m just discovering your wonderful work here, and I’ve decided to anticipate your autopsy results to test whether I’m clever or not. This time it did not go well.
I thought it was recitativo until the rhythm and narrative payoff of the last five words! It felt like the zoo animals were flicking out playing cards like gangsters and indicating at the visitors with their chins.
Might some of the satisfaction of the lurching ending be a result of the setup that precedes it? Do the hairpin turns around the commas serve the comma less punches at the end do you think?
Thanks for the information about commas. I appreciate your comment that they're often misunderstood. I really like your explanation below, that they're used to 'interrupt the direct flow of a sentence or to indicate a distinction between two ideas'. That gives the writer the reins, with a focus to style and meaning, rather than any idea of 'correct' usage.
My sentence takes the viewpoint of an AI / robot just acquiring awareness. Here it is:
Scanning the laboratory and its occupants, he quickly realises that, as a result of the technicians’ close concentration on their screens, he is able to see into their thoughts and memories, which are, much to his surprise, not centred on the awakening occurring before them, but on lunch breaks and domestic conflicts and wage negotiations.
I was trying for a fairy tale tone…
Blocking out the rustle around her, Fir slowly senses that, because of her horizontal lean, she can make out the whisper from the deciduous trees, that are, unbeknownst to many, secretly sneering at their admirers, that they designate as acolytes and flunkeys and yes-men.
I’m just discovering your wonderful work here, and I’ve decided to anticipate your autopsy results to test whether I’m clever or not. This time it did not go well.
I thought it was recitativo until the rhythm and narrative payoff of the last five words! It felt like the zoo animals were flicking out playing cards like gangsters and indicating at the visitors with their chins.
Might some of the satisfaction of the lurching ending be a result of the setup that precedes it? Do the hairpin turns around the commas serve the comma less punches at the end do you think?
Nina --
The part of your post that most stirred my curiosity was the parenthetical about commas. How are commas misunderstood? I´d love to know. Thanks!
Thanks for the information about commas. I appreciate your comment that they're often misunderstood. I really like your explanation below, that they're used to 'interrupt the direct flow of a sentence or to indicate a distinction between two ideas'. That gives the writer the reins, with a focus to style and meaning, rather than any idea of 'correct' usage.
My sentence takes the viewpoint of an AI / robot just acquiring awareness. Here it is:
Scanning the laboratory and its occupants, he quickly realises that, as a result of the technicians’ close concentration on their screens, he is able to see into their thoughts and memories, which are, much to his surprise, not centred on the awakening occurring before them, but on lunch breaks and domestic conflicts and wage negotiations.