I pulled out the 'unsheltered' to see the effect, a single word, and it weakened it. Unsheltered seems to tie together the series of es's (is that the right way to state it?) and to fill in a long gap between them - stood, seized, stronger, unsheltered, sheets - and it forms an antithesis with 'under his sheets' (matching the 'un') which is a form of shelter. It also slows the sentence just a bit, as if slowing his momentum, before he is driven back.
I like the soft or quiet of slow feel of 'and he felt himself trembling, a vibration so faint as barely to be perceptible' (versus 'so faint as to be barely perceptible' Is this anastrophe? I don't this so.) just before the sentence turns with 'but then stronger', but I'm not sure why. The sound? It picks up speed at this point with the similes (which I completely missed) then it stops on the hard 'drove him back'. The pacing of this sentence is like a roller coaster, or running across rolling fields.
So much more in this very interesting sentence. Thx.
Long sentences are tricky critters. Is a long sentence performing as you hope it will, or does it just sound as though you're losing control? I've followed the model sentence fairly closely in my attempt to compose one; I even pinched 'trembling'. Here goes:
Julia paused, the feathery fronds of baby’s breath trembling even as she tried to force her hand, her heart, not to, and she found herself searching, her eyes desperate to find him among all those who had gathered here to witness her moment of triumph, which was not a victory but a surrender, and he was nowhere, but there, at the end of the long, narrow aisle separating his from hers, was the other, waiting, expectant, and this must be done.
I loved this story. I also love your insights, though they’ve changed my reading. I notice structural choices so much more. I do think some writers do these things “naturally”, like a musician who doesn’t read music but plays jazz. But I’ll glad you’ve taught me how to reach deeper.
I pulled out the 'unsheltered' to see the effect, a single word, and it weakened it. Unsheltered seems to tie together the series of es's (is that the right way to state it?) and to fill in a long gap between them - stood, seized, stronger, unsheltered, sheets - and it forms an antithesis with 'under his sheets' (matching the 'un') which is a form of shelter. It also slows the sentence just a bit, as if slowing his momentum, before he is driven back.
I like the soft or quiet of slow feel of 'and he felt himself trembling, a vibration so faint as barely to be perceptible' (versus 'so faint as to be barely perceptible' Is this anastrophe? I don't this so.) just before the sentence turns with 'but then stronger', but I'm not sure why. The sound? It picks up speed at this point with the similes (which I completely missed) then it stops on the hard 'drove him back'. The pacing of this sentence is like a roller coaster, or running across rolling fields.
So much more in this very interesting sentence. Thx.
Long sentences are tricky critters. Is a long sentence performing as you hope it will, or does it just sound as though you're losing control? I've followed the model sentence fairly closely in my attempt to compose one; I even pinched 'trembling'. Here goes:
Julia paused, the feathery fronds of baby’s breath trembling even as she tried to force her hand, her heart, not to, and she found herself searching, her eyes desperate to find him among all those who had gathered here to witness her moment of triumph, which was not a victory but a surrender, and he was nowhere, but there, at the end of the long, narrow aisle separating his from hers, was the other, waiting, expectant, and this must be done.
I loved this story. I also love your insights, though they’ve changed my reading. I notice structural choices so much more. I do think some writers do these things “naturally”, like a musician who doesn’t read music but plays jazz. But I’ll glad you’ve taught me how to reach deeper.