You need the courage to wait, watch, sit in the silence and listen - because you can never be sure what will come toward you, what you have invited. Then, suddenly, it’s here.
So good! With the words ending in plosives, "wait, sit" rather than the --ing, you create a harsher sound and more tension. And the shorter phrase, "watch," with the implied "to." I love the antithesis of "what will come toward you, what you have invited." One is not invited; the other is invited. The balance of "sit in the silence and listen" varies the rhythm and creates something smoother. The comma splice is perfect, picking up the tension again with speed. I'm going back and forth on whether you need commas before and after "suddenly." You'd have more speed without them.
The phrase "to wait, watch, sit" uses short words that push the eyes along. the sentence then opens up with "because you can" Lots of action with limited words. Nice done. Norm
He knew it was time to ease, skinning the pear slowly, relishing the pleasure of anticipation–basking in the moments of sunlight, basking in the time before gloom. Enrico had made this his way.
I love the vagueness of "ease." This is Enrico's word for moving slowly, sinking into the moment of making. The present participials "relishing/basking/basking" create this sense of slowing and luxuriating in the "pleasure of anticipation." The word "gloom" adds tension and a sense of the future. This sentence plays with time--the now and the future gloom. The past perfect "had made" conveys that he developed this process in previous times to enjoy the moment before the gloom.
So subtly powerful. "skinning the pear slowly" is so good. And I agree with Sarah. This could be a great opening for a character's introduction. Nicely done, Terry!
Intrigued by the slight hint of something less lovely than the present moment, "gloom" carrying a note of foreboding. You could have used "dusk" or "nightfall." Wonder if this was intentional, if in your mind when darkness falls, Enrico faces something unpleasant or scary, or sinks into depression or grief.
On reflection dusk might have been a better fit. I was thinking Enrico was simply slowing to enjoy life's simple pleasures knowing they might not last much longer. The thoughts of an old man. Thanks for the close read, Mark.
Dusk or nightfall would indeed serve two purposes - mark the end the day, but also hint at the end of his life -- but there really hadn't been an indication of his age, so that was only clear perhaps, in your mind's eye.
More importantly, is he making a pear tart, perhaps in an outdoor oven on his Tuscan estate, or just peeling a pear? (Guess which version I prefer.)
Mark, I’m working with the idea slow pear peeling isn’t a young man’s game ☺️ But unsurprised a Francophile would conjure Tarte aux poires in their mind’s eye!
I think this would be a great opening sentence, Terry! What an unexpected way to introduce a main character (and, perhaps, how he became so wise)! Love it.
Note: Setting for this is forced conversions of Muslims in 15th century after fall of Granada.
We’ve got to hold Islam close, not believing the next conquerors beliefs, not worshiping the next God of their worship —- because we’re not their converts when we face Mecca for praying, we’re not their converts when we look to Allah for everything. We can’t surrender our souls.
They did the same thing to the Jews of Spain - or expelled them. How insecure were the Christians of the era of the inquisition. The need for everyone to believe as they did -- whereas the Muslim rule of Spain was tolerant of all religions. Imposing so much senseless misery.
The Muslims did significantly tax the Christians and Jews to remain in their cities, under their protection, and free to practice their religion, and work their trades.
I hear the desperation in this sentence with the string of "not": "not believing... not worshiping...not their converts.. we're not...'" and then a smart change at the end to "can't"--"We can't surrender our souls." The comma splice keeps the urgency going; there's no pause for a controlled "and" to connect the two clauses. You have an oral quality with the word "got": "We've got to hold Islam close."
There's no limit to conquest, signing the next site, drilling the next well—because you can't lose when you're expanding, you can't blink when they're losing. Or that was Hank's credo.
So good! It feels like the syntax embodies the fervor of progress — it's unrelenting; it can't stop to reflect. With the em dash, the explanation comes quickly, as if to prevent questioning or rebuttal. And the second sentence undercuts the first sentence entirely. Whoever is listening to Hank has doubts or skepticism. So that provides tension.
I impaled myself on my resentment, revisiting my frustrations like old friends, remembering old confrontations like favorite movies—because she couldn’t make it worse when I was already seething, she couldn’t say anything more hurtful when I was still hearing all the things she’d ever said. Or that’s what I wanted to believe.
"Impaled" conveys a sense of awareness. The narrator knows what she's doing and can't stop herself. The similes add more imagery, conveying why she can't stop herself: the frustrations are like "old friends," and the old confrontations are like favorite movies." There's pleasure in the impalement. A known movie, old friends. She's on familiar territory. There's a great build with the many present participials, and the syntax makes you feel the narrator's buried resentment. But then the second sentence picks up on her awareness of impaling herself--there's a distance between the self and the belief.
Those last 18 months with my mom as a resident in my own home hurt me as much as they helped her, Ani, and it was all my own fault. She never seemed to notice how pissed I was, she was just thankful not to be in the other kind of 'home' anymore.
Even though, " it was all my own fault" outweighs how angry the mother is. Whom should we believe? But the real truth comes at the end, she was glad to be out of there.
Yes, Mark, it is, and I did kind of 'wear' my resentment! As I told Ani, I realized it all too late, but hope I've learned that particular lesson, finally.
the repetition or the 're' resentment, revisiting, remembering and worse and seething all build the tension. And the voices they hear their head increases the torment.
Yes, J.M., the mental noise I conjured was deafening, and kept me from hearing the possibility of peace through forgiveness (until her last couple of weeks). Thank you for your comment!
I've been there before and sometimes everyday, but if I repeat what, as the French say, 'to understand all is to forgive all' it changes my perspective.
You've got to try to hook someone, hoping he'll have style, praying he’ll be rich — since living like this is too depressing, living like this isn't even a life. That’s my August mantra.
I love how this syntactical structure delays the explanation for the opening. There's tension--why does this character want to hook someone? Why does he need someone with style and money? The answer comes after the em dash with the implied impoverished state of living. There's a tone of desperation throughout, augmented by the comma splice. The second sentence is wonderful, throwing doubt over the desire. This is the August mantra; next month it might change. So good!
The last time I went to Vegas we noticed hordes of 20+ women in their (too) tight, (too) revealing little black dresses, for which we sensed this would also be a mantra. "If I could only land a NBA player or a Hedge fund manager" knowing full well that they could not penetrate the high-roller rooms where they'd find such catches and would--after too many drinks--end up settling for the fairly cute mechanic from Milwaukee who said things he didn't mean but you chose to believe when he uttered them, before slipping out of his room at 4 and calling an Uber of Shame back to Henderson.
I´ve never been to Vegas or dreamed of landing an NBA player or even worn a little black dress, but reading your sentence I think "I bet it happened exactly like that."
Every Saturday night it happens like that. I also remember the girl who was much heavier than her friends, and was probably browbeaten to wear the same kind of dress -- reassured by the "friend" who was the same mean girl she was in high school that "you look fabulous"-- and that zaftig girl kept tugging on the skirt to try to bring it down a bit. And she was so clearly miserable, and you knew that she would get too drunk and end up with the pot-bellied farm-equipment salesman from South Bend who specializes in spotting the low-self-esteem girls and taking advantage. After failed sex (no viagra) he would end up crying cause he misses his wife so much, the one who died of cancer, and our girl would end up comforting him until he fell sleep.
It's also possible that's the night that provokes her to turn her life around, refuse to be used or abused by men or that same mean girl, tells her "friend" group to go to hell and applies to nursing school in Portland, where she'll end up moving and actually having a pretty cool life, if it weren't for the housing prices.
Mark--great story, but who needs the happy ending? I'd stick with the first part, regardless of the lack of Viagra.
So is it now a mark of distinction to keep a viagra single in your wallet to have an outline of what could only be one type of pill, like the way I used to carry a condom in my wallet to show that I was ready and able, not like now when even the first outline would not live up to it's ideal.
I felt sorry for that girl, and as I remembered her here, felt the need to add a redemptive P.S. She just seemed trapped in a life she didn't want to be in.
You see a lot of that in Vegas. Like the man sitting next to me at the Shania Twain concert who I swear was casting an envious look at me and my husband (and making a few odd, covetous remarks) although he was with his wife and daughter.
I oughta write a collection of Vegas stories, come to think of it. Maybe one of them will be "My Kingdom for a Viagra."
It’s essential to keep accepting, acknowledging what has just happened, refusing to deny what has just happened—because anything else is futile, anything else just delays the inevitable. Reality will happen regardless of your resistance to it.
I love the epistrophe--the repetition of "what has just happened" and the vagueness of the refrain, as if the speaker cannot say exactly what has just happened. It is too much; it's too overwhelming. Then the urgency and emotion come through with the repetition of "anything else" and the comma splice. The second sentence provides variety of length and reinforces the first sentence.
I’m not much of a prayer, but when I pray, it’s always the same. I pray for reality to be exactly what it will be. That way my prayers always come true, and it makes me feel powerful.
Writing success requires rejection, creating the next character, word-smithing the next word—because each one forces you to do more soul searching, each one makes you strive harder. Rejection is your partner, so said Sid.
I love how the explanation follows so quickly, as if it needs to reinforce the beliefs presented in the opening. "word-smithing the next word" is fabulous and mimics the stacking of word after word, which is the act of writing. The explanation is full of positivism: "forces you to do more soul searching, each one makes you strive harder." Associations stir--this is good for you; toughen up; you'll be a better person. The second sentence beautifully undercuts the first, rendering Sid's deep-seated doubt.
It’s just like breathing in the beat, becoming one with the music, vibrating with the vibration—because everyone can dance digging deep for the rhythm, everyone can dance pining for passion. At least that was the pep talk her fiancé kept hearing.
**********
Ya gotta keep smiling, beaming into the everyday abyss, glowing through the everyday sludge–because you swore you’d fight on victorious, you swore you’d fight to a glorious finish. Yeah, that’s what she scribbled in her journal.
So great! For the first example, the sentence has so much music from the alliteration and assonance and the ring of --ing words. I love the polyptoton with "vibrating/vibration," almost like a call-and-response. The second sentence provides context and now the first sentence transforms into a pep talk.
For the second example, what stands out are the contrasts--the antithesis with "beaming vs. abyss" and "glowing versus sludge." I feel the effort in this sentence, and that's created by these contrasts. You've got the colloquial/oral quality with "Ya gotta." Then the register moves with "abyss" and "victorious," and "glorious." Then back to the colloquial with "Yeah." And there's something humorous that this pep talk isn't in the face of an actual act, but an act of writing.
Great juxtaposition to highlight the struggle, Nin: beaming/abyss, glowing/sludge. I also like the tone you carried on from the beginning "Ya gotta..." to the last sentence, with "Yeah..."
I had to stop shielding my heart, looking away when the newly hatched chick was crippled by the hen’s unintended feet, weeping when it never stopping peeping in an effort to survive—because only I could help by gently placing it under water, only I could help by easing its dying. At least that’s what I told myself.
So powerful! The sentence starts with vague language, which intrigues: "I had to stop shielding my heart." The reader wonders why, and then the present participial phrases add more information and the story unfolds. After the em dash we understand the reasoning behind the declaration at the beginning. So much tension with the images of a crippled chick and the ambiguous, "gently placing it under water." To help? To drown? And the second sentence ushers in more doubt concerning the narrator's actions.
This was my dilemma. In the end, I put the chick out in the garden for its final hours, left it on its own, like what would happen in nature. He struggled to move toward the sound of the other chickens.
Life is about ambivalence, where one is rarely certain they’ve made the right decision, when in the infinite scheme of things, we must move forward, enter that graduate program, attend the tedious cocktail party after the seminar, and invite the ostensibly stand-offish, though maybe just shy, coworker to lunch and before we render judgement on whether we should have done it, we will have done it by expanding our options
As the sentence moves, it becomes more specific, and this reader begins to feel that the event happened to the speaker. What starts as general advice about life shifts into sorting out what a specific character must do. It's an interesting technique at the level of diction. Within the sentence itself, which is about ambivalence, you build in ambivalence about the "ostensibly stand-offish coworker," who may, in fact, just be shy.
Indeed. As referenced in my reply to Terry, the advise was directly dispensed to the "narrator". And, shy people generally require prodding to ask for direction, so, right again. We have taking action or reasons for not doing so. Thanks very much for your helpful insight.
I say as long as the cocktails are free, no post-seminar party must be tedious. (Of course I am remembering my stint in academia eons ago, when I held my liquor stupendously.)
I like the idea of choosing to believe the "standoffish" worker might be just shy. Often such willingness undergirds the finest friendships.
Thanks Mark. I think you get the NYT magazine. There is a great article in the 8/17/2025 issue titled “Unfriendliness” by Rax King. It’s hilarious, brief and speaks to the interpersonal comfort zone of standoffishness
Thanks Terry. Meandering is a good word for it as I retrospectively recalled the words of a former colleague from decades past, very focused, very ambitious, very smart was she. Though we had collectively designated her as our "token department sociopath", her words of wisdom have guided me through some of the more consequential decisions over the years, because the alternative, as the sage American aphorist Elbert Hubbard warned is to, "Say nothing. Do nothing. Be nothing".
Diane, your long and dense sentence leads us down the same kind of path as the activities and schedules you mention...so many options, so much to consider! Well done.
I feed my inquiring mind on patterns, pattern making stories, story making patterns, putting words to questions—always changing, never staying static, shifting pieces in each pattern until all the holes are filled. And none will dispute this.
I love the repetition of the word "patterns," and the sentence itself is making patterns with that exact word. You use anadiplosis, ending the base clause with "patterns" and beginning the next phrase with "pattern," then it moves to the end of the phrase. And we hear it one more time after the em dash, this time woven into the phrase. As Mark said, the second sentence feels like the narrator must defend the actions.
I like the repetition of ‘pattern’, the back and forth of pattern and stories, shifting, changing, never static. It has a nice flow. And the second sentence is curious, makes you think.
The good old days were gone, knockin’ back beers and singing until you were blue in the face, strummin’ your guitar until you couldn’t strum no more—all because handsome vain Cooper lost his voice, lost his feel. At least that’s what Alice said.
The colloquial tone is great--created by eliminating the "g" truncating the --ing. I'm going back and forth on whether to include "singin." I think you do because it moves it into hyperbole and idealism. There's a sense that the good old (and you could have "good ol' days) are being romanticized or story-fied.
Thank you, Nina. I wonder about how it would move into hyperbole and idealism- by emphasizing the colloquial tone even more? This voice is unfamiliar to me and experimental, and yet I hear it in my head very clearly. So weird. We’ll see where this goes…
I think because you have two registers playing here, if one is overdone, it feels amplified; you're drawing attention to it, edging toward hyperbole. And because it's talking about the good old days, there's a sense of idealizing those days with this register. For me there's a different register after the em dash. It could have been "all because good ol' handsome vain Cooper gone and lost his voice, lost those feet."
I had the same doubt, Nin, about ‘singin til’. I went back and forth, could hear the voice, but thought maybe it was overkill to do that. Let’s see what Nina thinks.
Thanks, Mark. Alice Cooper? Nope, though it kind of fits. I have a musician friend who everyone calls by his last name Cooper. And Alice just popped in my head, maybe shades of Jefferson Airplane?
There has to be some sort of grounding, searching for the right terms, confirming the right criteria - because you want to keep believing, you want to keep doubting. There is no proof after all.
So much movement in this sentence with the --ing words, which are, at the core, verbs, but converted into adjectives. Regardless, they keep their verb-like quality of injecting action. The sentence itself feels like it's "searching," and because you have a contrast or antithesis with "believing/doubting," it cannot stop searching. The second sentence confirms the need to keep searching. T
You have to look twice, ignoring the first label, doubting the first doubt—because you can’t see what you already named, you can’t see what you already dismissed. Or so I tell myself afterwards.
We only needed thirty percent of the eligible workers to sign cards forcing a union election; the numbers of Mac’s math mattered: meaning—because Mac understood the numbers, he showed us how to use the numbers. Regardless the bosses wanted the numbers for themselves.
You need the courage to wait, watch, sit in the silence and listen - because you can never be sure what will come toward you, what you have invited. Then, suddenly, it’s here.
So good! With the words ending in plosives, "wait, sit" rather than the --ing, you create a harsher sound and more tension. And the shorter phrase, "watch," with the implied "to." I love the antithesis of "what will come toward you, what you have invited." One is not invited; the other is invited. The balance of "sit in the silence and listen" varies the rhythm and creates something smoother. The comma splice is perfect, picking up the tension again with speed. I'm going back and forth on whether you need commas before and after "suddenly." You'd have more speed without them.
Thank you Nina
Your commentary is so generous.
Really helpful and I’ll try the last line without the commas.
'what you have invited' was the kicker for me
I'm chewing on the idea of unconsciously --or subconsciously?-- inviting things toward myself! Delicious, SP!
Thanks so much Sarah…
Thanks …
Brilliantly minimalist. You left your reader with so much space. Terrific sentence.
oooo, I get goosebumps reading this! Love it.
Really appreciate it
Thanks
I like 'wait, watch, sit', then how sit moves into 'silence and listen.' Marvelous rhythm and sound.
Thank you Kevin
Oh to sit around your campfire late at night during ghost story time. I´ve a feeling you know how to do creepy.
Thanks… very much
The phrase "to wait, watch, sit" uses short words that push the eyes along. the sentence then opens up with "because you can" Lots of action with limited words. Nice done. Norm
The best advice I've heard/read for a long time. The 'suddenly it's here' is so affirmative and reinforces the listening in the the silence.
He knew it was time to ease, skinning the pear slowly, relishing the pleasure of anticipation–basking in the moments of sunlight, basking in the time before gloom. Enrico had made this his way.
I love the vagueness of "ease." This is Enrico's word for moving slowly, sinking into the moment of making. The present participials "relishing/basking/basking" create this sense of slowing and luxuriating in the "pleasure of anticipation." The word "gloom" adds tension and a sense of the future. This sentence plays with time--the now and the future gloom. The past perfect "had made" conveys that he developed this process in previous times to enjoy the moment before the gloom.
You leave us asking questions. Sunlight darkened by gloom. Or gloom brightened by sunlight.
So subtly powerful. "skinning the pear slowly" is so good. And I agree with Sarah. This could be a great opening for a character's introduction. Nicely done, Terry!
Thank you, Nin.
Intrigued by the slight hint of something less lovely than the present moment, "gloom" carrying a note of foreboding. You could have used "dusk" or "nightfall." Wonder if this was intentional, if in your mind when darkness falls, Enrico faces something unpleasant or scary, or sinks into depression or grief.
On reflection dusk might have been a better fit. I was thinking Enrico was simply slowing to enjoy life's simple pleasures knowing they might not last much longer. The thoughts of an old man. Thanks for the close read, Mark.
Dusk or nightfall would indeed serve two purposes - mark the end the day, but also hint at the end of his life -- but there really hadn't been an indication of his age, so that was only clear perhaps, in your mind's eye.
More importantly, is he making a pear tart, perhaps in an outdoor oven on his Tuscan estate, or just peeling a pear? (Guess which version I prefer.)
Mark, I’m working with the idea slow pear peeling isn’t a young man’s game ☺️ But unsurprised a Francophile would conjure Tarte aux poires in their mind’s eye!
Can picture this and then wonder what is the gloom going to be and when. Nicely done.
I think this would be a great opening sentence, Terry! What an unexpected way to introduce a main character (and, perhaps, how he became so wise)! Love it.
Thanks, Sarah. You've given me food for thought.
Always love reading your stuff-commenting is a bonus!
Exactly. I want to know what comes next. What defines the gloom--Freudian slip: I wrote 'defies' which also seems appropriate.
Enrico has found the key to happiness!
I like it. Very fluid. "Skinning:" and "relishing" two actions that almost need nothing else. Lovely.
Note: Setting for this is forced conversions of Muslims in 15th century after fall of Granada.
We’ve got to hold Islam close, not believing the next conquerors beliefs, not worshiping the next God of their worship —- because we’re not their converts when we face Mecca for praying, we’re not their converts when we look to Allah for everything. We can’t surrender our souls.
This is a great depiction of resistance.
Thank you Kevin.
You nailed the brief, Konrad, while capturing the creativity in human responses to oppression. You gave the reader a great narrative too.
Thanks Terry
"not worshiping the next God of their worship"-- powerful repetition of 'worship'
They did the same thing to the Jews of Spain - or expelled them. How insecure were the Christians of the era of the inquisition. The need for everyone to believe as they did -- whereas the Muslim rule of Spain was tolerant of all religions. Imposing so much senseless misery.
The Muslims did significantly tax the Christians and Jews to remain in their cities, under their protection, and free to practice their religion, and work their trades.
I hear the desperation in this sentence with the string of "not": "not believing... not worshiping...not their converts.. we're not...'" and then a smart change at the end to "can't"--"We can't surrender our souls." The comma splice keeps the urgency going; there's no pause for a controlled "and" to connect the two clauses. You have an oral quality with the word "got": "We've got to hold Islam close."
I like the small paragraph taking on huge religious questions of, if I can make you convert, I own you.
There's no limit to conquest, signing the next site, drilling the next well—because you can't lose when you're expanding, you can't blink when they're losing. Or that was Hank's credo.
I sense that Hank's relentlessness had cost him a lot--at least one divorce, perhaps two, as he is addicted to the rush of more, more, more.
So good! It feels like the syntax embodies the fervor of progress — it's unrelenting; it can't stop to reflect. With the em dash, the explanation comes quickly, as if to prevent questioning or rebuttal. And the second sentence undercuts the first sentence entirely. Whoever is listening to Hank has doubts or skepticism. So that provides tension.
Perceptive! Yes on the divorce. And the adrenaline addiction.
Creepy guy, Hank.
"you can't blink when they're losing." is very powerful showing how to approach a very difficult situation.
Someone who believes that must be miserable most of the time. Lonely.
I impaled myself on my resentment, revisiting my frustrations like old friends, remembering old confrontations like favorite movies—because she couldn’t make it worse when I was already seething, she couldn’t say anything more hurtful when I was still hearing all the things she’d ever said. Or that’s what I wanted to believe.
"Impaled" conveys a sense of awareness. The narrator knows what she's doing and can't stop herself. The similes add more imagery, conveying why she can't stop herself: the frustrations are like "old friends," and the old confrontations are like favorite movies." There's pleasure in the impalement. A known movie, old friends. She's on familiar territory. There's a great build with the many present participials, and the syntax makes you feel the narrator's buried resentment. But then the second sentence picks up on her awareness of impaling herself--there's a distance between the self and the belief.
Being impaled on resentment so perfect an image for the state of being stationary on a scale of “worseness”. Perfect🏹
Thank you so much, Diane!
You've captured one of life's truth here, Sarah. And with an engaging eloquence.
Thank you, Terry! I appreciate you!
Love, love "impaled myself on resentment"! Such a great image. And I feel "like old friends" and "like old movies." Nicely done!
Thank you, Nin. I decided to let it stay even though it certainly doesn't reflect a belief like Nina suggested. I'm glad you liked it!
I'm glad you play with the architecture and the so-called guidelines.
I'm glad you let it stay ❤️
ouch!!
Those last 18 months with my mom as a resident in my own home hurt me as much as they helped her, Ani, and it was all my own fault. She never seemed to notice how pissed I was, she was just thankful not to be in the other kind of 'home' anymore.
Even though, " it was all my own fault" outweighs how angry the mother is. Whom should we believe? But the real truth comes at the end, she was glad to be out of there.
Funny, I accidentally read "hearing" as "wearing" and thought, "How creative. 'To be wearing all of the things she ever said.'"
"I impaled myself on my resentment" - we can do that can't we, even when we recognize how self-defeating it is.
Yes, Mark, it is, and I did kind of 'wear' my resentment! As I told Ani, I realized it all too late, but hope I've learned that particular lesson, finally.
I feel this.
I'm so glad (and hope you've never done this to yourself!).
Haha! What do you think? 😉
the repetition or the 're' resentment, revisiting, remembering and worse and seething all build the tension. And the voices they hear their head increases the torment.
Yes, J.M., the mental noise I conjured was deafening, and kept me from hearing the possibility of peace through forgiveness (until her last couple of weeks). Thank you for your comment!
I've been there before and sometimes everyday, but if I repeat what, as the French say, 'to understand all is to forgive all' it changes my perspective.
You've got to try to hook someone, hoping he'll have style, praying he’ll be rich — since living like this is too depressing, living like this isn't even a life. That’s my August mantra.
I love how this syntactical structure delays the explanation for the opening. There's tension--why does this character want to hook someone? Why does he need someone with style and money? The answer comes after the em dash with the implied impoverished state of living. There's a tone of desperation throughout, augmented by the comma splice. The second sentence is wonderful, throwing doubt over the desire. This is the August mantra; next month it might change. So good!
Thanks, Nina. The August bit was a minor prompt provided by today's date. August 1 resolution.
I may have mumbled this mantra once in my life... ;) Well done.
I like it that it is the 'August' mantra. There will be a new mantra to replace it in September
you betcha there will.
The last time I went to Vegas we noticed hordes of 20+ women in their (too) tight, (too) revealing little black dresses, for which we sensed this would also be a mantra. "If I could only land a NBA player or a Hedge fund manager" knowing full well that they could not penetrate the high-roller rooms where they'd find such catches and would--after too many drinks--end up settling for the fairly cute mechanic from Milwaukee who said things he didn't mean but you chose to believe when he uttered them, before slipping out of his room at 4 and calling an Uber of Shame back to Henderson.
I´ve never been to Vegas or dreamed of landing an NBA player or even worn a little black dress, but reading your sentence I think "I bet it happened exactly like that."
Every Saturday night it happens like that. I also remember the girl who was much heavier than her friends, and was probably browbeaten to wear the same kind of dress -- reassured by the "friend" who was the same mean girl she was in high school that "you look fabulous"-- and that zaftig girl kept tugging on the skirt to try to bring it down a bit. And she was so clearly miserable, and you knew that she would get too drunk and end up with the pot-bellied farm-equipment salesman from South Bend who specializes in spotting the low-self-esteem girls and taking advantage. After failed sex (no viagra) he would end up crying cause he misses his wife so much, the one who died of cancer, and our girl would end up comforting him until he fell sleep.
It's also possible that's the night that provokes her to turn her life around, refuse to be used or abused by men or that same mean girl, tells her "friend" group to go to hell and applies to nursing school in Portland, where she'll end up moving and actually having a pretty cool life, if it weren't for the housing prices.
Mark--great story, but who needs the happy ending? I'd stick with the first part, regardless of the lack of Viagra.
So is it now a mark of distinction to keep a viagra single in your wallet to have an outline of what could only be one type of pill, like the way I used to carry a condom in my wallet to show that I was ready and able, not like now when even the first outline would not live up to it's ideal.
I felt sorry for that girl, and as I remembered her here, felt the need to add a redemptive P.S. She just seemed trapped in a life she didn't want to be in.
You see a lot of that in Vegas. Like the man sitting next to me at the Shania Twain concert who I swear was casting an envious look at me and my husband (and making a few odd, covetous remarks) although he was with his wife and daughter.
I oughta write a collection of Vegas stories, come to think of it. Maybe one of them will be "My Kingdom for a Viagra."
does she have pink hair?
She'll get that in Portland.
the fairly cute mechanics from Milwaukee are worth looking out for. just saying.
Yeah, but on his pre-wedding bachelor weekend, it’s depressing to be his last fling. But damn if he didn’t have some nice abs.
you're too funny :)
that's not just a sentence it's a whole story. Well done.
That in itself is a flash fiction.
It’s essential to keep accepting, acknowledging what has just happened, refusing to deny what has just happened—because anything else is futile, anything else just delays the inevitable. Reality will happen regardless of your resistance to it.
I love the epistrophe--the repetition of "what has just happened" and the vagueness of the refrain, as if the speaker cannot say exactly what has just happened. It is too much; it's too overwhelming. Then the urgency and emotion come through with the repetition of "anything else" and the comma splice. The second sentence provides variety of length and reinforces the first sentence.
... but do I have to? ;)
"... anything else just delays the inevitable" is so true. Nicely written.
okay. . .this philosophy works for me
“You can’t argue with reality because reality always wins.” So says Byron Katie.
I’m not much of a prayer, but when I pray, it’s always the same. I pray for reality to be exactly what it will be. That way my prayers always come true, and it makes me feel powerful.
I love this!
😊
Praying as foretelling? What is reality anyhow?
Reality is when a window slams down on your finger.
that's the reality. But still sucks if it goes against the story you want.
I like the rhythm and alliteration of ‘accepting, acknowledging’ and in the second sentence, reality/regardless/resistance. Well done.
Writing success requires rejection, creating the next character, word-smithing the next word—because each one forces you to do more soul searching, each one makes you strive harder. Rejection is your partner, so said Sid.
I love how the explanation follows so quickly, as if it needs to reinforce the beliefs presented in the opening. "word-smithing the next word" is fabulous and mimics the stacking of word after word, which is the act of writing. The explanation is full of positivism: "forces you to do more soul searching, each one makes you strive harder." Associations stir--this is good for you; toughen up; you'll be a better person. The second sentence beautifully undercuts the first, rendering Sid's deep-seated doubt.
“word-smithing the next word”
I’m sneaking in a lighter one…
It’s just like breathing in the beat, becoming one with the music, vibrating with the vibration—because everyone can dance digging deep for the rhythm, everyone can dance pining for passion. At least that was the pep talk her fiancé kept hearing.
**********
Ya gotta keep smiling, beaming into the everyday abyss, glowing through the everyday sludge–because you swore you’d fight on victorious, you swore you’d fight to a glorious finish. Yeah, that’s what she scribbled in her journal.
Nin,
So great! For the first example, the sentence has so much music from the alliteration and assonance and the ring of --ing words. I love the polyptoton with "vibrating/vibration," almost like a call-and-response. The second sentence provides context and now the first sentence transforms into a pep talk.
For the second example, what stands out are the contrasts--the antithesis with "beaming vs. abyss" and "glowing versus sludge." I feel the effort in this sentence, and that's created by these contrasts. You've got the colloquial/oral quality with "Ya gotta." Then the register moves with "abyss" and "victorious," and "glorious." Then back to the colloquial with "Yeah." And there's something humorous that this pep talk isn't in the face of an actual act, but an act of writing.
Thank you, Nina! I always eat up your feedback. And thank you for reading and commenting on both 🩷
I'm grateful Nina made this two sentences, for in both cases, you used the second one to excellent effect.
I was just about to comment when I spotted Mark's feedback. He beat me to the punch. You found really impactful finales, Nin. In both sentences.
Thanks so much, Terry!
Thanks so much, Mark.
Great juxtaposition to highlight the struggle, Nin: beaming/abyss, glowing/sludge. I also like the tone you carried on from the beginning "Ya gotta..." to the last sentence, with "Yeah..."
Thanks so much, Sarah 🥰
I had to stop shielding my heart, looking away when the newly hatched chick was crippled by the hen’s unintended feet, weeping when it never stopping peeping in an effort to survive—because only I could help by gently placing it under water, only I could help by easing its dying. At least that’s what I told myself.
So powerful! The sentence starts with vague language, which intrigues: "I had to stop shielding my heart." The reader wonders why, and then the present participial phrases add more information and the story unfolds. After the em dash we understand the reasoning behind the declaration at the beginning. So much tension with the images of a crippled chick and the ambiguous, "gently placing it under water." To help? To drown? And the second sentence ushers in more doubt concerning the narrator's actions.
We're at the junction of how do I help and not hurt. Which is better letting the chick to it's own devices or putting it out of its misery.
This was my dilemma. In the end, I put the chick out in the garden for its final hours, left it on its own, like what would happen in nature. He struggled to move toward the sound of the other chickens.
I feel so sorry for this little chick and can feel the narrator’s pain. Very touching.
Life is about ambivalence, where one is rarely certain they’ve made the right decision, when in the infinite scheme of things, we must move forward, enter that graduate program, attend the tedious cocktail party after the seminar, and invite the ostensibly stand-offish, though maybe just shy, coworker to lunch and before we render judgement on whether we should have done it, we will have done it by expanding our options
As the sentence moves, it becomes more specific, and this reader begins to feel that the event happened to the speaker. What starts as general advice about life shifts into sorting out what a specific character must do. It's an interesting technique at the level of diction. Within the sentence itself, which is about ambivalence, you build in ambivalence about the "ostensibly stand-offish coworker," who may, in fact, just be shy.
Indeed. As referenced in my reply to Terry, the advise was directly dispensed to the "narrator". And, shy people generally require prodding to ask for direction, so, right again. We have taking action or reasons for not doing so. Thanks very much for your helpful insight.
I say as long as the cocktails are free, no post-seminar party must be tedious. (Of course I am remembering my stint in academia eons ago, when I held my liquor stupendously.)
I like the idea of choosing to believe the "standoffish" worker might be just shy. Often such willingness undergirds the finest friendships.
Thanks Mark. I think you get the NYT magazine. There is a great article in the 8/17/2025 issue titled “Unfriendliness” by Rax King. It’s hilarious, brief and speaks to the interpersonal comfort zone of standoffishness
I get the New York Times, but haven't come across it. I'll try to find it in the archives.
This sentence had an engaging meandering quality reflecting the ambivalence you started off with. Great work, Diane!
Thanks Terry. Meandering is a good word for it as I retrospectively recalled the words of a former colleague from decades past, very focused, very ambitious, very smart was she. Though we had collectively designated her as our "token department sociopath", her words of wisdom have guided me through some of the more consequential decisions over the years, because the alternative, as the sage American aphorist Elbert Hubbard warned is to, "Say nothing. Do nothing. Be nothing".
Diane, your long and dense sentence leads us down the same kind of path as the activities and schedules you mention...so many options, so much to consider! Well done.
Thank you Sarah. Always appreciate your thoughtful comments.
Thank you Sarah. Always appreciate your thoughtful comments.
I feed my inquiring mind on patterns, pattern making stories, story making patterns, putting words to questions—always changing, never staying static, shifting pieces in each pattern until all the holes are filled. And none will dispute this.
The second sentence tells me the speaker is somehow defensive about his thinking process. For why would anyone feel the need to dispute this?
I don't know. The sentence kinda wrote itself. I'll give it some thought
I hear you. My sentences tend to write themselves as well.
I love the repetition of the word "patterns," and the sentence itself is making patterns with that exact word. You use anadiplosis, ending the base clause with "patterns" and beginning the next phrase with "pattern," then it moves to the end of the phrase. And we hear it one more time after the em dash, this time woven into the phrase. As Mark said, the second sentence feels like the narrator must defend the actions.
I like the repetition of ‘pattern’, the back and forth of pattern and stories, shifting, changing, never static. It has a nice flow. And the second sentence is curious, makes you think.
The good old days were gone, knockin’ back beers and singing until you were blue in the face, strummin’ your guitar until you couldn’t strum no more—all because handsome vain Cooper lost his voice, lost his feel. At least that’s what Alice said.
The colloquial tone is great--created by eliminating the "g" truncating the --ing. I'm going back and forth on whether to include "singin." I think you do because it moves it into hyperbole and idealism. There's a sense that the good old (and you could have "good ol' days) are being romanticized or story-fied.
Thank you, Nina. I wonder about how it would move into hyperbole and idealism- by emphasizing the colloquial tone even more? This voice is unfamiliar to me and experimental, and yet I hear it in my head very clearly. So weird. We’ll see where this goes…
I think because you have two registers playing here, if one is overdone, it feels amplified; you're drawing attention to it, edging toward hyperbole. And because it's talking about the good old days, there's a sense of idealizing those days with this register. For me there's a different register after the em dash. It could have been "all because good ol' handsome vain Cooper gone and lost his voice, lost those feet."
Oh, I see. Thank you! I will explore more-
I like the way this rolls out, smooth and fluid. But I wouldn't trust Alice.
I’m not sure I would either…
"until you couldn't strum no more" -- the voice here is everything! I wonder if "singin' til" works or if that's too much...? Well done, Anne!
I had the same doubt, Nin, about ‘singin til’. I went back and forth, could hear the voice, but thought maybe it was overkill to do that. Let’s see what Nina thinks.
Yes, let’s let the master call it. 😊
Too generous! It's really what Anne wants to create in terms of meaning.
I like that, Nina. So true.
Well done. (Is this really about Alice Cooper, somehow?)
Thanks, Mark. Alice Cooper? Nope, though it kind of fits. I have a musician friend who everyone calls by his last name Cooper. And Alice just popped in my head, maybe shades of Jefferson Airplane?
Doesn’t really make sense, the proximity of Alice and Cooper just struck me.
There has to be some sort of grounding, searching for the right terms, confirming the right criteria - because you want to keep believing, you want to keep doubting. There is no proof after all.
So much movement in this sentence with the --ing words, which are, at the core, verbs, but converted into adjectives. Regardless, they keep their verb-like quality of injecting action. The sentence itself feels like it's "searching," and because you have a contrast or antithesis with "believing/doubting," it cannot stop searching. The second sentence confirms the need to keep searching. T
I like the five participle phrases. Keeps moving the lines along and coming to doubting without proof. It's what we do most of the time.
You have to look twice, ignoring the first label, doubting the first doubt—because you can’t see what you already named, you can’t see what you already dismissed. Or so I tell myself afterwards.
We only needed thirty percent of the eligible workers to sign cards forcing a union election; the numbers of Mac’s math mattered: meaning—because Mac understood the numbers, he showed us how to use the numbers. Regardless the bosses wanted the numbers for themselves.
Bosses want to own the numbers. It's why you need a union.