I love the image of despair seeping into the body. Then comes the image of January rain, which is cold and can cause illness, colds, pneumonia, which invokes the lungs and "freezing" all his senses. With "inking" despair changes a bit, a slight transformation contained a color now, which is emphasized by the final image of "funereal black." By the end of this longish sentence, I feel the stultifying effects of the despair.
Thank you Nina! I see what you mean by a slight transformation to the color black as rain is colorless or white at best. Although I love funereal black and that ink kills, perhaps i should do something like "piercing his last hope through the heart with the ruthless precision of an icicle."
I really felt the despair with the simile of "January rain," and then when you got to "inking...funeral black," it felt like the "freezing lungs," were turning black like dying flesh. Loved the imagery!
Sep 2, 2023·edited Sep 2, 2023Liked by Nina Schuyler
Rage rocketed and ricocheted through Gina, ratcheting itself into successively higher registers until it erupted from her throat into the space between herself and Josh where it congealed into a blackened gravitational fear that everything she’d just shouted was not merely unforgettable but also unforgivable.
This blog has taught me a greater appreciation for "not merely...but also" constructions. I like how you incorporate it at the end with the parallelism of the double "un" words.
Love the alliteration, how the "r" carries from "rage/rocketed/ricocheted/ratcheting," all the way to "registers." The two adjectives before "fear" make me slow down "blackened gravitational" in a good way, so the rage sinks in further. Also, I love the correlative conjunction not/but and the echo of the "un." Beautiful!
I can really feel this - the building rage, and also that shocked moment afterwards (that "blackened gravitational fear" is so vivid) when the shout is out there and she can't take it back.
Sep 2, 2023·edited Sep 2, 2023Liked by Nina Schuyler
My try...
Despair leaked out of him like ooze from an as yet undiagnosed dermatological condition (contagious?), frighting away all but the most intrepid of friends, filling the room with the putrid heaviness of a father's infinite my-kid-just-killed-himself grief.
So good! The sentence mimics the ooze as it continues on toward more specificity and then the reveal of the source of the despair, "a father's infinite my-kid-just-killed himself grief." The word "infinite" heightened the emotion for me, the endlessness of this oozing despair. The tiny parenthetical introduces another POV and also captures the source of the fright. (Frightening, right?)
Thanks NIna! If I was to edit or try again I think I'd try to make my initial simile less clunky, more flowing. "Like a spill of paint" trips off the tongue so effortlessly. I think maybe it's because all the words are one syllable. Also, I particularly like the word "spill." Although it's a noun in this context, I'm more used to the word as a verb so for me it has some of that verb-y energy.
I revisited this sentence lesson and wrote this one into my latest poem and wanted to share and say thank you for these lessons!
"The sweet and spicy aroma fills the air, like a flock of birds, flying in unison up and down, around and alighting, all together on the branches of a tree, settling inside your nose."
I love this! You've completely transformed sweet and spicy aroma for me. I also love the vertical movement: first up in the sky, then down to a branch, then the sensual and bodily.
I love the challenge of choosing an abstract emotion as the subject, and a verb that can carry the metaphors/similes through. Thanks for another great prompt for my Sunday morning! Here's mine, still puzzling over this one a bit...
Mistrust stitched itself into her chest like a chainmail patch, needling through her innocence, lacing itself against her heart in a tight weave.
Like David, I felt this as a constriction in my chest. Great adjectival phrases with "needling" and lacing" and then the "stitched" metaphor is implied with the "tight weave." So good!
I love how you got the feeling of being suffocated in there, which to me is exactly what that kind of suspicion feels like. The increasing tightness in the chest.
"Needling through her innocence!" Wow. The word innocence here is emotional. I feel so much for her and hope she'll be able eventually to escape that "tight weave."
I wrote two, playing with different similes, which do you think is better?
Obsession consumed her like a thousand ants on a dropped cookie, marching over her head and controlling all her actions, swarming the landscape of her mind until all she could think about was him.
Obsession consumed her like a lion chasing a gazelle, hungry for the taste of flesh and whiff of blood, hunting with focused precision, speed, and elegance, the heart of another.
Great imagery! To me, the obsession feels different in each - in the first, she's taken over by it, those ants swarming is something completely against her will, and maybe not something she wants at all; but the lion feels like she's more in control, hunting her obsession with skill and force and moving toward something she absolutely wants.
Sep 3, 2023·edited Sep 3, 2023Liked by Nina Schuyler
I'm not sure which I like best overall but my favorite simile is "a thousand ants on a dropped cookie." That feels like obsession to me and is so original!
The second phrase confused me a bit because I thought it was the ants who were marching and now they were "over her head" when I thought they were on the ground on the dropped cookie. Then you picked up the simile nicely in the third phrase with the antlike verb "swarming."
Despair seeped through his pores like January rain, seizing his lungs and freezing all his senses, inking out his last hope with funereal black.
I love the image of despair seeping into the body. Then comes the image of January rain, which is cold and can cause illness, colds, pneumonia, which invokes the lungs and "freezing" all his senses. With "inking" despair changes a bit, a slight transformation contained a color now, which is emphasized by the final image of "funereal black." By the end of this longish sentence, I feel the stultifying effects of the despair.
Thank you Nina! I see what you mean by a slight transformation to the color black as rain is colorless or white at best. Although I love funereal black and that ink kills, perhaps i should do something like "piercing his last hope through the heart with the ruthless precision of an icicle."
I really felt the despair with the simile of "January rain," and then when you got to "inking...funeral black," it felt like the "freezing lungs," were turning black like dying flesh. Loved the imagery!
This is exactly how I experience despair and heartache. Great work!
I'm glad and thank you, David!
Rage rocketed and ricocheted through Gina, ratcheting itself into successively higher registers until it erupted from her throat into the space between herself and Josh where it congealed into a blackened gravitational fear that everything she’d just shouted was not merely unforgettable but also unforgivable.
This blog has taught me a greater appreciation for "not merely...but also" constructions. I like how you incorporate it at the end with the parallelism of the double "un" words.
Love the alliteration, how the "r" carries from "rage/rocketed/ricocheted/ratcheting," all the way to "registers." The two adjectives before "fear" make me slow down "blackened gravitational" in a good way, so the rage sinks in further. Also, I love the correlative conjunction not/but and the echo of the "un." Beautiful!
I can really feel this - the building rage, and also that shocked moment afterwards (that "blackened gravitational fear" is so vivid) when the shout is out there and she can't take it back.
Thanks, Robin. I was really interested in how powerful emotions can sometimes flip instantaneously.
I really felt this, like the rage itself was a monster that she let out and then instantly felt the regret of showing that part of herself.
Thank you!
My try...
Despair leaked out of him like ooze from an as yet undiagnosed dermatological condition (contagious?), frighting away all but the most intrepid of friends, filling the room with the putrid heaviness of a father's infinite my-kid-just-killed-himself grief.
So good! The sentence mimics the ooze as it continues on toward more specificity and then the reveal of the source of the despair, "a father's infinite my-kid-just-killed himself grief." The word "infinite" heightened the emotion for me, the endlessness of this oozing despair. The tiny parenthetical introduces another POV and also captures the source of the fright. (Frightening, right?)
Thanks NIna! If I was to edit or try again I think I'd try to make my initial simile less clunky, more flowing. "Like a spill of paint" trips off the tongue so effortlessly. I think maybe it's because all the words are one syllable. Also, I particularly like the word "spill." Although it's a noun in this context, I'm more used to the word as a verb so for me it has some of that verb-y energy.
I love the image of people running away from his thick, oozing despair, what so many do in a situation like that (except those friends who stay).
I like the notion of despair and grief as putrid ooze, the body expressing unendurable emotions.
That edit into further specificity is a stunning blow.
I love that the despair oozes, "filling the room with the putrid heaviness." I can feel my body being dragged down, down, down...
My favorite part was "putrid heaviness," that phrase just feels so oppressive to me, just as you were trying to do. Really good.
Just read the entire story in The New Yorker. I enjoyed it immensely.
I revisited this sentence lesson and wrote this one into my latest poem and wanted to share and say thank you for these lessons!
"The sweet and spicy aroma fills the air, like a flock of birds, flying in unison up and down, around and alighting, all together on the branches of a tree, settling inside your nose."
I love this! You've completely transformed sweet and spicy aroma for me. I also love the vertical movement: first up in the sky, then down to a branch, then the sensual and bodily.
I love the challenge of choosing an abstract emotion as the subject, and a verb that can carry the metaphors/similes through. Thanks for another great prompt for my Sunday morning! Here's mine, still puzzling over this one a bit...
Mistrust stitched itself into her chest like a chainmail patch, needling through her innocence, lacing itself against her heart in a tight weave.
Like David, I felt this as a constriction in my chest. Great adjectival phrases with "needling" and lacing" and then the "stitched" metaphor is implied with the "tight weave." So good!
I love how you got the feeling of being suffocated in there, which to me is exactly what that kind of suspicion feels like. The increasing tightness in the chest.
"Needling through her innocence!" Wow. The word innocence here is emotional. I feel so much for her and hope she'll be able eventually to escape that "tight weave."
Thanks! Me too!
I wrote two, playing with different similes, which do you think is better?
Obsession consumed her like a thousand ants on a dropped cookie, marching over her head and controlling all her actions, swarming the landscape of her mind until all she could think about was him.
Obsession consumed her like a lion chasing a gazelle, hungry for the taste of flesh and whiff of blood, hunting with focused precision, speed, and elegance, the heart of another.
Thank you for the inspiration!
I like both of these, but perhaps the one with the ants is more striking, the feeling of being taken over by and surrendering to a romantic obsession.
But, wait! The idea of romancing someone by hunting their heart with precision, speed and elegance is also enchanting!
Do you have more? What fun!
Thank you, so much! This was a really fun and new exercise for me.
Great imagery! To me, the obsession feels different in each - in the first, she's taken over by it, those ants swarming is something completely against her will, and maybe not something she wants at all; but the lion feels like she's more in control, hunting her obsession with skill and force and moving toward something she absolutely wants.
I agree, Robin! Both are powerful and original--fresh ways of experiencing obsession.
Thank you! These are really good insights!
I'm not sure which I like best overall but my favorite simile is "a thousand ants on a dropped cookie." That feels like obsession to me and is so original!
The second phrase confused me a bit because I thought it was the ants who were marching and now they were "over her head" when I thought they were on the ground on the dropped cookie. Then you picked up the simile nicely in the third phrase with the antlike verb "swarming."
Thank you!
Obsession like a thousand ants on a dropped cookie swarming her mind. So vivid and original!
Thank you!