There was a generous overlay of powdery snow on the ground, which gave Cherry Tree Lane an air of orderliness and good intentions.
“Right You Are, Lola Brommelsick, Right You Are,” by John Dalton, Boulevard, Spring 2018, Volume 33
Humans are beings in time and place, so setting becomes integral to any story. What Janet Burroway says in Writing Fiction applies equally to nonfiction and fiction, “Your fiction must have an atmosphere because without it your characters will be unable to breathe.”
But the setting can also feel like something. It can make a character feel uncomfortable or calm, tension, pleasure, delight, or fear that something terrible is about to happen. When the character conveys that feeling, we’ve entered the world of tone.
Tone is a metaphor derived from music and depicts a character’s attitude about something. Tone and setting can mingle to create an overall effect, and Dalton’s sentence does this beautifully.
The first hint that the narrator has an attitude about the setting is the adjective “generous”: “a generous overlay of powdery snow.” The adjective helps describe the setting but also develops the character. This is a fantastic fusion, accomplishing two things simultaneously, creating more with less.
In Dalton’s sentence, the tone continues to infuse the setting with the relative clause: “which gave Cherry Tree Lane an air of orderliness and good intentions.” Now, through tone, there is a definite feeling about the place: it’s arranged neatly, logically, carefully, and the place and perhaps the people are well-meaning. (Since this is a story, I’m also waiting for these aspects of the setting to be upended). There’s also a mingling and invoking of personification, animating the inanimate, suggesting that Cherry Tree Land has good intentions.
Regarding grammar, the relative clause includes the verb “gave,” which is a transitive verb, requiring a direct object. A direct object receives the action of the verb, and in Dalton’s sentence it’s the proper noun “Cherry Tree Lane.” The narrator’s tone or attitude enters through the object complement, which describes the effect of the action: “an air of orderliness and good intentions.”
Do you hear the subtle music in this sentence?
Assonance: overlay/snow; powdery/ground; gave/Lane; Cherry/air
Your Turn
Use an expletive sentence, which opens with “There is/there was, It is, it was.” This type of structure emphasizes whatever comes after it.
Now add a description of the setting and include at least one adjective that begins to reveal the attitude of your character about the setting.
Use a relative clause (the most common: which/that/who/whom/whose) and a transitive verb that requires a direct object.
Add two descriptions (your object complement) that also convey your character’s attitude about the setting.
Can you add assonance?
How did it go?
What else do you see?
Thank you subscriber for sending me this sentence!
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I’ve taught “Style in Fiction,” “Word for Word” and “Cultivating Your Prose” at the University of San Francisco and Stanford Continuing Studies since 2007.
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Amazed how such short sentences can convey such a depth of scene. Lovely. Here's mine:
There was a meagerness in each cowering herb or bush, leaves cupped or contracted, which made the tired blue sky above appear stingy and withholding.
Thank you so much for this post. Here's something from a speculative short story I'm editing right now:
There were clusters of earthquakes, each more deadly than the last, which gave the atmosphere a sullen and antagonistic aspect.