Down from the limestone walls of the inner chamber, limestone walls which had not glimpsed the sun for millions of years, down through the upper flood-carved tunnels plumbing this Ozark mountain with a vascular system rivaling that of any living being, down from the lightning-riddled, thunder-beaten skies, the water came.
So good! I feel like I'm traveling as the water is traveling. And the use of anaphora (limestone walls/down) helps me move through this long sentence and not get lost. My idea of "anchors" or "handrails" to guide the reader along. I love the short base clause!
Thank you, Robin! It’s quite an experience to camp out in an Ozark thunderstorm, the explosive roaring, rolling, and echoing back and forth and up and down the hills and hollows.
Yes. It seems likely now that I will never experience that again, but I remember as though it was just now (which it is, in geological or astrophysical time).
But now you're reliving it with us, in such vivid words and images. We are seeking that water as if it's down and down and down towards us... Thank you.
Aug 28, 2023·edited Aug 28, 2023Liked by Nina Schuyler
It took me a while to puzzle through this one because I kept wanting to add more actions (with additional verbs that grew to additional phrases needing commas - which I loved but didn't hold true to the syntax here) as opposed to recognizing that this sentence is actually one of scene description. Once I recognized the nouns were all a part of the "scene": walls; boards; beams; factory, and the adjectives alone were used to stretch the sentence, I was able to tackle it. I do love reading everyone's base clauses here, anchoring each of the sentences...and I've a new appreciation for the left branching sentence.
Here's mine (after hours, yes, hours of playing with this, trying to get all the bits in: alliteration, assonance, heavy stresses):
Beneath a deepening dark, beneath weighty wishes and breathy memories the feathery blue duvet and the sharp pointed tin-light stars, sleep arrived.
Beautiful! Before I comment, I want to say the hours playing with this are not wasted. All of this time playing, thinking, and listening to language weaves into the fabric of your writing. I know this from practice and more practice. I love "deepening dark" which has an ominous tone and creates a bit of tension, as does the left-branching sentence structure. The assonance softens the tension with the high-pitched "e" of "beneath" and "deepening." I loved the "sharp pointed tin-light stars," and that echoed the menacing tone at the beginning with the plosives and the image of stars as "tin" and "sharp pointed." Softening the overall tone--"weighty wishes" "breathy memories." I needed an "of" before "the feathery blue duvet. Then that tiny base clause. When I reached there, I felt the struggle of finally finding sleep.
Thanks Nina - agree, I don't feel the hours are wasted at all. It just amazes me how much time it actually takes (but it is pleasurable, playful time). And I note, your suggested "of" inserted into the sentence shows me that I tried to cram two conceptual levels into the sentence (abstract (wishes and memories) and concrete (duvet)) as opposed to staying with concrete descriptions (so many choices!). Thank you for reading and providing impressions.
Great alliterations of stale silent stacks, etc. and I love the use of "silent" air, not only because it's an abandened area it is also to contrast with a potential upcoming roar of fire...
Down from the limestone walls of the inner chamber, limestone walls which had not glimpsed the sun for millions of years, down through the upper flood-carved tunnels plumbing this Ozark mountain with a vascular system rivaling that of any living being, down from the lightning-riddled, thunder-beaten skies, the water came.
So good! I feel like I'm traveling as the water is traveling. And the use of anaphora (limestone walls/down) helps me move through this long sentence and not get lost. My idea of "anchors" or "handrails" to guide the reader along. I love the short base clause!
I love that phrase "thunder-beaten skies"!
Thank you, Robin! It’s quite an experience to camp out in an Ozark thunderstorm, the explosive roaring, rolling, and echoing back and forth and up and down the hills and hollows.
Sounds amazing!
Yes. It seems likely now that I will never experience that again, but I remember as though it was just now (which it is, in geological or astrophysical time).
But now you're reliving it with us, in such vivid words and images. We are seeking that water as if it's down and down and down towards us... Thank you.
Thank you! There is also a romantic element to that memory, as I was not alone when I went into that cave. Another time!
It took me a while to puzzle through this one because I kept wanting to add more actions (with additional verbs that grew to additional phrases needing commas - which I loved but didn't hold true to the syntax here) as opposed to recognizing that this sentence is actually one of scene description. Once I recognized the nouns were all a part of the "scene": walls; boards; beams; factory, and the adjectives alone were used to stretch the sentence, I was able to tackle it. I do love reading everyone's base clauses here, anchoring each of the sentences...and I've a new appreciation for the left branching sentence.
Here's mine (after hours, yes, hours of playing with this, trying to get all the bits in: alliteration, assonance, heavy stresses):
Beneath a deepening dark, beneath weighty wishes and breathy memories the feathery blue duvet and the sharp pointed tin-light stars, sleep arrived.
Beautiful! Before I comment, I want to say the hours playing with this are not wasted. All of this time playing, thinking, and listening to language weaves into the fabric of your writing. I know this from practice and more practice. I love "deepening dark" which has an ominous tone and creates a bit of tension, as does the left-branching sentence structure. The assonance softens the tension with the high-pitched "e" of "beneath" and "deepening." I loved the "sharp pointed tin-light stars," and that echoed the menacing tone at the beginning with the plosives and the image of stars as "tin" and "sharp pointed." Softening the overall tone--"weighty wishes" "breathy memories." I needed an "of" before "the feathery blue duvet. Then that tiny base clause. When I reached there, I felt the struggle of finally finding sleep.
Great job 🙂
These phrases really resonate with me. They feel visually and emotionally atmospheric:
- Beneath a deepening dark
- beneath weighty wishes
- breathy memories
- tin-light stars
Thanks Nina - agree, I don't feel the hours are wasted at all. It just amazes me how much time it actually takes (but it is pleasurable, playful time). And I note, your suggested "of" inserted into the sentence shows me that I tried to cram two conceptual levels into the sentence (abstract (wishes and memories) and concrete (duvet)) as opposed to staying with concrete descriptions (so many choices!). Thank you for reading and providing impressions.
I love “weighty wishes”!
Thanks Robin!
I love that this sentence sets the scene before we see the action! Here's my attempt:
Through the stale, silent air, through the stink of mold and the stacks of yellowed papers piled along the hall, smoke curled.
Great alliterations of stale silent stacks, etc. and I love the use of "silent" air, not only because it's an abandened area it is also to contrast with a potential upcoming roar of fire...
Thank you!
That’s lovely and scary! I smell the mold and the smoke. Where’s the door?!?
Under the bark-bare birches, under the bomb-torn vaults and the acrid ashes of ancient firepits of the once vibrant and happy hamlets, death grew.
Ooh, acrid ashes of ancient firepits is so vivid and I feel for the people who once lived there