They built walls with wounding words in the bedroom, and icy stares in the kitchen, leaving them isolated as their children watched how they grew apart at forty-one, forty-two, forty-three.
Beautiful! The long phrases in the opening imply the tension in the house has built over time. The alliteration with the 'w' adds music, and the final dependent clause, "as their children watched..." increases the stakes. Then we get the the fast time at the end, how the tension has built in the house over time, and at the same time, as one gets older, time seems to move so swiftly. Suddenly, this couple is forty-three.
Mom trolled for sugar daddies wearing push-up bras in uptown bars and short skirts at bars in the downtown, bringing me at two, five, ten, to stash in a car seat under the bar, the corner of a dark booth, on a chair pushed into the dim corner.
The precise details pull me right in, and I see Mom as an individual. I love the "two, five, ten" and that it's not consecutive. This raises the stakes for me--how long the narrator was dragged along with Mom trolling for sugar daddies. It's also emotionally charged because this young narrator is in a bar, even at two. You also create more of a jarring rhythm by deleting the "and" at the end with "on a chair pushed into the dim corner." It matches well the sentence's content--how the narrator has been treated with haste and carelessness.
He copied from practice books in a humble bungalow, and master scrolls in a grand gallery, grinding inkstick in an ancient inkwell in the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s.
Beautiful! A great expanse of time passes in this sentnence. The contrast between the "humble bungalow" and the "master scrolls in a grand gallery," imply a change in status and education and perhaps wealth. The quickness at the end suggests the blur of time during three decades and conveys a sense of habitual action.
We danced at first without instruction or experience, at clearings in the ancient pine forest and on deserted sands at the lonely Jurassic cove, from when we giggled in printed frocks until we pouted in Docs.
There is such a sense of time passing in this sentence. The "at first without instruction or experience," implies that later, they did receive instruction. And the stretch of time between "printed frocks" and "Docs." And "giggled" and "pouted." Something during that stretch has left them not as happy. I love the assonance of giggled/printed. You have precision with the "lonely Jurassic cove." I'm wondering if you can add additional precision for the "ancient pine forest." That would imply/convey that both spots remain vivid in memory.
He tried talking to me about Sherlock Holmes at the beginning, Thucydides, chess, trying to drum up some interest, but he always came back to my hair, my freckles, my breasts.
Dad drove me to the mall on winter Sundays, or Salem Willows if it was summer, then back to my grandmother's for dinner, prayers, the Lawrence Welk Show.
They built walls with wounding words in the bedroom, and icy stares in the kitchen, leaving them isolated as their children watched how they grew apart at forty-one, forty-two, forty-three.
Beautiful! The long phrases in the opening imply the tension in the house has built over time. The alliteration with the 'w' adds music, and the final dependent clause, "as their children watched..." increases the stakes. Then we get the the fast time at the end, how the tension has built in the house over time, and at the same time, as one gets older, time seems to move so swiftly. Suddenly, this couple is forty-three.
Thank you:-)
Mom trolled for sugar daddies wearing push-up bras in uptown bars and short skirts at bars in the downtown, bringing me at two, five, ten, to stash in a car seat under the bar, the corner of a dark booth, on a chair pushed into the dim corner.
I wanna read this story.
The precise details pull me right in, and I see Mom as an individual. I love the "two, five, ten" and that it's not consecutive. This raises the stakes for me--how long the narrator was dragged along with Mom trolling for sugar daddies. It's also emotionally charged because this young narrator is in a bar, even at two. You also create more of a jarring rhythm by deleting the "and" at the end with "on a chair pushed into the dim corner." It matches well the sentence's content--how the narrator has been treated with haste and carelessness.
He copied from practice books in a humble bungalow, and master scrolls in a grand gallery, grinding inkstick in an ancient inkwell in the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s.
Beautiful! A great expanse of time passes in this sentnence. The contrast between the "humble bungalow" and the "master scrolls in a grand gallery," imply a change in status and education and perhaps wealth. The quickness at the end suggests the blur of time during three decades and conveys a sense of habitual action.
An entire story in a sentence! I love it.
Thank you, Lori!
We danced at first without instruction or experience, at clearings in the ancient pine forest and on deserted sands at the lonely Jurassic cove, from when we giggled in printed frocks until we pouted in Docs.
There is such a sense of time passing in this sentence. The "at first without instruction or experience," implies that later, they did receive instruction. And the stretch of time between "printed frocks" and "Docs." And "giggled" and "pouted." Something during that stretch has left them not as happy. I love the assonance of giggled/printed. You have precision with the "lonely Jurassic cove." I'm wondering if you can add additional precision for the "ancient pine forest." That would imply/convey that both spots remain vivid in memory.
He tried talking to me about Sherlock Holmes at the beginning, Thucydides, chess, trying to drum up some interest, but he always came back to my hair, my freckles, my breasts.
Dad drove me to the mall on winter Sundays, or Salem Willows if it was summer, then back to my grandmother's for dinner, prayers, the Lawrence Welk Show.