I'm always humbled to find how difficult it can be to maintain the original's movement and consistent use of imagery. Here then is my attempt:
As their inflatable drifts near the coastguard vessel, they stay low and grope for a line, shove their children to the middle or trace the raft’s bottom with their toes, and lean against their neighbours, strain to hear the bullhorn, torsos rudderless and eyes skyward as if this could keep them all stay balanced, a melee of hope—but surprisingly they walk single-file up the gangplank or find their land legs their heads crest in formation by the doors of the detention centre—a flock—and shake their heads when translators ask where they hoped to settle: they have been promised France, and Germany; they have been promised Norway, but this floating geography meant little: no one there to meet them
Oh, this is beautiful! So much energy, and I feel so much movement, with all the verbs hauling in action from the people with their children in the boat, the coastguard, the translators. Because of the many verbs, there is a sense of many people doing things. So, without having to name everyone--and risk the reader getting lost in the names--you create a sense of a fully populated scene with a lot of activity. I love the turn in the sentence with the first "but" and they do find balance, enough to walk up the gangplank or find land legs (such a great description). Love "floating geography"--just amazing. Then the final "but" undercuts the balance that they found because there is no one there to meet them. They do not have a connection to place/land/home.
PS: And please don't feel pressure to adhere to the architecture. I am hoping to open a door for you to play, and with the word "play" there is an invitation for you to create something new, not aligned to the sample sentence.
This reminded me of the opening lines of White Noise, with strings of verbs instead of DeLillo's strings of nouns (and a single sentence instead of four)
I'm always humbled to find how difficult it can be to maintain the original's movement and consistent use of imagery. Here then is my attempt:
As their inflatable drifts near the coastguard vessel, they stay low and grope for a line, shove their children to the middle or trace the raft’s bottom with their toes, and lean against their neighbours, strain to hear the bullhorn, torsos rudderless and eyes skyward as if this could keep them all stay balanced, a melee of hope—but surprisingly they walk single-file up the gangplank or find their land legs their heads crest in formation by the doors of the detention centre—a flock—and shake their heads when translators ask where they hoped to settle: they have been promised France, and Germany; they have been promised Norway, but this floating geography meant little: no one there to meet them
Oh, this is beautiful! So much energy, and I feel so much movement, with all the verbs hauling in action from the people with their children in the boat, the coastguard, the translators. Because of the many verbs, there is a sense of many people doing things. So, without having to name everyone--and risk the reader getting lost in the names--you create a sense of a fully populated scene with a lot of activity. I love the turn in the sentence with the first "but" and they do find balance, enough to walk up the gangplank or find land legs (such a great description). Love "floating geography"--just amazing. Then the final "but" undercuts the balance that they found because there is no one there to meet them. They do not have a connection to place/land/home.
PS: And please don't feel pressure to adhere to the architecture. I am hoping to open a door for you to play, and with the word "play" there is an invitation for you to create something new, not aligned to the sample sentence.
This is so true--in general and manifested in this stunning sentence: "So much of writing creatively is giving yourself permission."
Eastbound is now on my bookshop.org wishlist
I hope you love it! A joy, a pleasure, a swift ride, a wild ride, one you can't believe happened in so few turning of pages.
This reminded me of the opening lines of White Noise, with strings of verbs instead of DeLillo's strings of nouns (and a single sentence instead of four)
I'll have to take a look at this! Thank you!