While we emerge into the streets the air, while we were young the very engine of our lives, swirls now around us, smoky, orange, and turgid, a despotic dissipating angel.
The diction takes this in such an interesting direction. To invoke "angel" hauls in the divine and with "despotic" and "dissipating" there is a sense--especially with dissipating--the divine has been corrupted and/or is now departing. The contrast is fantastic between youth and the engine and the smoke now, which is no longer supporting life.
I also like how "normal" the first dependent clause is, and the subject is - who hasn't been in that scene - but the delay upends the ordinary, hurling us against the passage of time, into the cruel reality of having past one's prime. Air as 'a despotic dissipaing angel' so original so rich.
The delay created by separating the subject and the verb is wonderful! I feel the intimacy with the focus on her breathing. As the reader, I, too, lean into hear it. So interesting. Introducing the song at the end also hauls in possible themes.
It just popped into my mind and that's why these exercises are so wonderful and the reactions from the group are so much appreciated. Who knows it might work into something someday!
Thanks for another great prompt. I like the suspense this creates, although it does feel awkward to add that second clause. Fun to try this - here's a couple I was messing with:
When he comes to the sofa, her thoughts, when he sits down next to her, tumble like gleeful puppies.
As he springs to his feet, the silence, as he stomps across the room, shatters like a vintage plate.
I agree that the second dependent clause feels awkward but I think that's what you're trying to create. Awkward, an interruption. The subject is stated, then the interruption again, delaying the verb. As if the subject doesn't yet know what to do. This is especially true with your first example. "Her thoughts..." she doesn't know what to think; she's overwhelmed and the second clause creates paralysis, then we get the verb. In your second example, the "stomps" in the second clause is necessary to create the shattering. Then that final image "vintage plate" is so powerful because it introduces the feeling, as Xiaoyan notes, of pain and loss.
No. 2: The second dependent clause of delay creates tension and sound (contrasting to "silence") and what follows - "shatters like a vintage plate" carries the weight of pain, and history, and a deafening sound...
While we emerge into the streets the air, while we were young the very engine of our lives, swirls now around us, smoky, orange, and turgid, a despotic dissipating angel.
The diction takes this in such an interesting direction. To invoke "angel" hauls in the divine and with "despotic" and "dissipating" there is a sense--especially with dissipating--the divine has been corrupted and/or is now departing. The contrast is fantastic between youth and the engine and the smoke now, which is no longer supporting life.
I also like how "normal" the first dependent clause is, and the subject is - who hasn't been in that scene - but the delay upends the ordinary, hurling us against the passage of time, into the cruel reality of having past one's prime. Air as 'a despotic dissipaing angel' so original so rich.
wow, such a sense of change over their lives, how even the air has changed to something visibly thick (and not pleasant!)
As the sun warmed their faces, her breathing, as he leaned to hear her, trailed off like the final notes of "Conquest of Paradise."
The delay created by separating the subject and the verb is wonderful! I feel the intimacy with the focus on her breathing. As the reader, I, too, lean into hear it. So interesting. Introducing the song at the end also hauls in possible themes.
Thank you, Nina!
I really like the leaning, too, it sets up a relationship that holds a tension of its own.
I love this. There is some ambiguity, which I also like. My first thought was, ah, afterglow. But then: wait, did she just die?
I wondered that too.
Yes sadly, but she's conquered...
This plot thickens…
Thank you, David. Yes. And I was going to use Beethoven's Sixth but the final notes didn't trail off.
Ooh. I want the rest of the story! Great work: lovely images, fabulous compression!!
It just popped into my mind and that's why these exercises are so wonderful and the reactions from the group are so much appreciated. Who knows it might work into something someday!
I know! This is a really great mental workout!!
Thanks for another great prompt. I like the suspense this creates, although it does feel awkward to add that second clause. Fun to try this - here's a couple I was messing with:
When he comes to the sofa, her thoughts, when he sits down next to her, tumble like gleeful puppies.
As he springs to his feet, the silence, as he stomps across the room, shatters like a vintage plate.
I agree that the second dependent clause feels awkward but I think that's what you're trying to create. Awkward, an interruption. The subject is stated, then the interruption again, delaying the verb. As if the subject doesn't yet know what to do. This is especially true with your first example. "Her thoughts..." she doesn't know what to think; she's overwhelmed and the second clause creates paralysis, then we get the verb. In your second example, the "stomps" in the second clause is necessary to create the shattering. Then that final image "vintage plate" is so powerful because it introduces the feeling, as Xiaoyan notes, of pain and loss.
No. 2: The second dependent clause of delay creates tension and sound (contrasting to "silence") and what follows - "shatters like a vintage plate" carries the weight of pain, and history, and a deafening sound...
Thanks! I was feeling this too, the shock and loss of that silence.