Along with the sheer terror of finding himself in the wrong house, with his recognition of its difference, was a sense, because of the houses’ sameness, that he was in all the houses around the lake at once; the sublime of identical layouts.
The Topeka School by Ben Lerner
Lerner’s sentence staggers. It’s jagged with its little pauses, as if trying to catch its breath, as if the breath is shallow as the mind scrambles to make sense of what’s happening. The sentence creates a feeling of anxiety or even fear, rendering this by the five phrases and clauses with the four accompanying commas.
Imagine if the sentence were written like this:
Along with the sheer terror of finding himself in the wrong house was a sense that he was in all the houses around the lake at once.
By eliminating some of the phrases and clauses, the sentence is much smoother, depicting a mind that is more composed. Anytime the linear flow is disrupted you’re creating a feeling at the sentence level.
Because we have to wait a while for the verb, the sentence has even more tension. Lerner opens with an adverbial phrase and couples it with a prepositional phrase, “with his recognition of its difference,” which adds more specificity to the opening phrase. When he does get to the verbal phrase “was a sense,” what’s needed next is a relative clause to expand on the word “sense.” Instead, he adds more tension by interrupting the linear flow with a subordinate clause, “because of houses’ sameness.” Only then does he give us the relative clause.
After the semicolon, there is a short five-word fragment, “the sublime of identical layouts.” It’s a fragment because the verb is missing. What an ideal choice because it continues the sense of anxiety; when we’re nervous, words naturally slough off. We can’t remember them or our breath is so short we can’t speak them. With this fragment, he also creates sentence variety. Lerner has a long sentence and follows with the fragment. The ear wakes up with the variation. Think of a song; when the rhythm changes, you listen more closely.
Your Turn
Open with two phrases separated by commas. The second phrase adds more detail to the first. Lerner first used an adverbial phrase, then followed it with a prepositional phrase. Because you’re practicing, feel free to use “Along” to open your sentence and for your second phrase, “with.”
Add your verb. Use a verb phrase that requires a relative clause (a clause that begins with which, that, who, whom, whose, and gives more detail about a noun). Here Lerner uses “that” to refer back to “sense.”
Before you get to the relative clause, though, add a subordinate clause.
Add a semicolon. Now add a short fragment. Take one more look at the sentence: do you have four commas?
What else do you see?
Tell me how it goes!
About Me:
I’ve taught “Style in Fiction,” “Word for Word” and “Cultivating Your Prose” at the University of San Francisco and Stanford Continuing Studies since 2007. In each of these classes, we spend 10 to 15 weeks drenched in the beauty of sentences, reading them and writing them. I’ve watched my writing and my students’ writing blossom with this practice of paying close attention to the sentence.
Please visit my website to find all of my books: ninaschuyler.com (including “How to Write Stunning Sentences” and “Stunning Sentences: A Creative Writing Journal).
My new novel Afterword is available now! If your book club chooses my book to read, I can Zoom in and talk to the group. If you’ve read my novel please consider posting an honest review on Amazon or Goodreads. Thank you!
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Upcoming Events:
On Sunday, July 9th at 4:00 pm PST, I’ll be in conversation about AFTERWORD with Mary Volmer, author of Reliance, Illinois and Crown of Dust and moderator of Alta Mesa Center for the Arts.
It’s online and free, but you have to register. Here is the link:
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On July 17, 6:30-8:00 pm PST, I’ll be teaching online How to Write Stunning Sentences for Maker Mentor Muse. It’s a sliding scale, $25-$50. I’ll present more methodically how to approach writing stunning sentences.
Here’s that link:
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/maker-mentor-muse-how-to-write-stunning-sentences-with-nina-schuyler-tickets-645660286297?fbclid=IwAR0PrSDXCOhquDFHxzKUHzmnbmyunQfDRXblinqL-8Vjxn5cAkVj43bnBPI
Publicity News and Upcoming Readings:
AFTERWORD was a June favorite pick for Towne Center Books!
On July 19, 6:00 pm PST, I’ll be at Telegraph Hill Books, a reading, discussion and questions and answers.
I sense that something has gone wrong not only in the character’s situation but also in his entire life, as well as in the bedrock of the society that somehow thought it would be a good idea to construct these ticky-tacky abodes, reflecting their identical selves in the lake. The disorientation is psychedelic in its hall of mirrors intensity.
I have so far only read one short story by Ben Lerner, and was extremely impressed. Thank you for reminding me to read more!
I found this SO interesting - my first instinct was that your cleaned up version of this sentence was much easier to read - but I can see how this sentence structure adds to the anxiety of the moment. Very cool.
Here’s how I played with it:
“Along the wall of floor-to-ceiling windows, with an afternoon rain pummeling the shaded glass, crept a mottled shape, although not invited in, that sought solace in the dark; a muddy visitor.”