I sense that something has gone wrong not only in the character’s situation but also in his entire life, as well as in the bedrock of the society that somehow thought it would be a good idea to construct these ticky-tacky abodes, reflecting their identical selves in the lake. The disorientation is psychedelic in its hall of mirrors intensity.
I have so far only read one short story by Ben Lerner, and was extremely impressed. Thank you for reminding me to read more!
I found this SO interesting - my first instinct was that your cleaned up version of this sentence was much easier to read - but I can see how this sentence structure adds to the anxiety of the moment. Very cool.
Here’s how I played with it:
“Along the wall of floor-to-ceiling windows, with an afternoon rain pummeling the shaded glass, crept a mottled shape, although not invited in, that sought solace in the dark; a muddy visitor.”
So good! Yes! The interruptions, those commas, the little steps forward with the hesitation created by the comma, create anxiety. I love the vagueness of the "mottled shape," which introduces another level of anxiety and tension--what is it? "Crept" also widens the possibility of what might be: human? not human? And then the interruption "although not invited in" creates more tension.
Jul 9, 2023·edited Jul 9, 2023Liked by Nina Schuyler
Thanks for the example, Nina, I like these exercises.
Here's my attempt:
"Behind a pair of blood-moon eyes, with their endless stare, came a groan, within the shadow of the closet, that swallowed my screams; a devastating duet."
Beautiful! I feel anxiety as the sentence tries to flow but can't. The image is "blood-moon" eyes is startling because of the contrast of moon, which is white, and blood, that dark red, and they are residing side-by-side, contained in a whole. With the preposition phrase "with their endless stare" you stay with these unusual eyes and I feel them staring at me. Separating "groan" with another prepositional phrase creates a micro tension as we wait for the relative clause. Beautiful, that short alliterated phrase after the semicolon!
I sense that something has gone wrong not only in the character’s situation but also in his entire life, as well as in the bedrock of the society that somehow thought it would be a good idea to construct these ticky-tacky abodes, reflecting their identical selves in the lake. The disorientation is psychedelic in its hall of mirrors intensity.
I have so far only read one short story by Ben Lerner, and was extremely impressed. Thank you for reminding me to read more!
David, Lerner has coupled a compelling story with lots of stunning sentences! I highly recommend this novel.
Thank you so much! 💜
I found this SO interesting - my first instinct was that your cleaned up version of this sentence was much easier to read - but I can see how this sentence structure adds to the anxiety of the moment. Very cool.
Here’s how I played with it:
“Along the wall of floor-to-ceiling windows, with an afternoon rain pummeling the shaded glass, crept a mottled shape, although not invited in, that sought solace in the dark; a muddy visitor.”
So good! Yes! The interruptions, those commas, the little steps forward with the hesitation created by the comma, create anxiety. I love the vagueness of the "mottled shape," which introduces another level of anxiety and tension--what is it? "Crept" also widens the possibility of what might be: human? not human? And then the interruption "although not invited in" creates more tension.
Thanks for the example, Nina, I like these exercises.
Here's my attempt:
"Behind a pair of blood-moon eyes, with their endless stare, came a groan, within the shadow of the closet, that swallowed my screams; a devastating duet."
Beautiful! I feel anxiety as the sentence tries to flow but can't. The image is "blood-moon" eyes is startling because of the contrast of moon, which is white, and blood, that dark red, and they are residing side-by-side, contained in a whole. With the preposition phrase "with their endless stare" you stay with these unusual eyes and I feel them staring at me. Separating "groan" with another prepositional phrase creates a micro tension as we wait for the relative clause. Beautiful, that short alliterated phrase after the semicolon!
Thanks for your detailed feedback and insights. I appreciate your eye for sentence structure, and your ear for what churns beneath them...
Thank you! And thank you for creating an amazing sentence. It's truly inspiring.