Celeste confined her vocal volume to the cockpit of her Datsun, where soloing with her windows shut, fingers prodigal and percussive against the steering wheel, she belted out her fight song.
They only fight during walks on the lonesome beach, when, away from eyes and ears of the world, in voices drowned by the raging surf, they tell each other exactly how they feel.
Wonderful! As Astrid noted, the "raging surf" echoes the couple's fights and also drowns out their fighting. I also like that you've taken the image of the lonesome beach, which is usually a place of solace and calm, and turned it into the place where they fight.
George never relaxed in Blackpool, where, policed by an overbearing landlady, frustrated and alarmed by an insistent erection, he desperately implored his Saviour to bring succour.
Fanny was always tight in Wath upon Dearne, where, illuminated under a rotating mirrorball, rigid and grimacing in a line-dance, she stuck out like a sore thumb.
Cyril was irresponsibly profligate in Woolworths, where, anaesthetised by an ambient melody, dazzled and hypnotised by affordable trinketry, he spent the entirety of his pocket money in one visit.
Aiken too would have liked to have gotten into the toy wagon, in which, along with the toy cows, he would be driven into the darkest corner of the house, and like a little toy man, be accidentally misplaced beneath the bed.
Hi--can you comment on the use of the present perfect tense once and then to drop the 'have been' in the rest of the sentence? Same with 'would?' Is that okay? Also, I'm beginning to see how sentences come alive, as you say they do. I sense a difference between getting the 'facts' stated in the sentence and the sentence seeming to take on life.
This is great! And I am happy you're feeling the aliveness of sentences! When you drop the "have been" in the latter part of the sentence, the test is: can the reader understand it? It's the use of ellipsis or the elimination of word(s) that are implied. For this sentence, I completely understand it without the "have been." I'm also sensing that Aiken is a young boy, right?
Thank you. The sentence I wrote was a good way to ask the question I've been struggling with as I revise other texts. Good guess but no, Aiken is carving toys for his little boy, and he prefers his privacy over being watched by others in the room.
Lovely! I love the figurative implications of desires placed on the other side of the moon, which suggests they are located far away, not readily at hand. You bring together “desires” and also “ shadows” because the latter are deposited there too. Shadows are vague so maybe more specificity is needed here.
Thea retreated to her bedroom near the western end of the Spree, where, cloistered beside the familiar sharp slant of daylight, scythe of night searchlights, she lay for two days in dread of the red blizzard marshalling its forces in the East.
Celeste confined her vocal volume to the cockpit of her Datsun, where soloing with her windows shut, fingers prodigal and percussive against the steering wheel, she belted out her fight song.
So good! The alliteration adds another layer of musicality.
They only fight during walks on the lonesome beach, when, away from eyes and ears of the world, in voices drowned by the raging surf, they tell each other exactly how they feel.
Wonderful! As Astrid noted, the "raging surf" echoes the couple's fights and also drowns out their fighting. I also like that you've taken the image of the lonesome beach, which is usually a place of solace and calm, and turned it into the place where they fight.
I like the image of the raging surf, overpowering the couple's voices.
Had a few goes. Don’t think I’m quite there yet…
George never relaxed in Blackpool, where, policed by an overbearing landlady, frustrated and alarmed by an insistent erection, he desperately implored his Saviour to bring succour.
Fanny was always tight in Wath upon Dearne, where, illuminated under a rotating mirrorball, rigid and grimacing in a line-dance, she stuck out like a sore thumb.
Cyril was irresponsibly profligate in Woolworths, where, anaesthetised by an ambient melody, dazzled and hypnotised by affordable trinketry, he spent the entirety of his pocket money in one visit.
These are fantastic! I love this list, how place brings out an aspect of the character as if place and character are in a relationship.
Thank you. That’s very kind.
Anita unleashed insanity at the cliff, where knotted by the dilemma, confused and stunned by the world, she flew.
Beautiful! I love the very physical “knotted by the dilemma.” The final “ she flew” is surprising in the best way.
Aiken too would have liked to have gotten into the toy wagon, in which, along with the toy cows, he would be driven into the darkest corner of the house, and like a little toy man, be accidentally misplaced beneath the bed.
Hi--can you comment on the use of the present perfect tense once and then to drop the 'have been' in the rest of the sentence? Same with 'would?' Is that okay? Also, I'm beginning to see how sentences come alive, as you say they do. I sense a difference between getting the 'facts' stated in the sentence and the sentence seeming to take on life.
This is great! And I am happy you're feeling the aliveness of sentences! When you drop the "have been" in the latter part of the sentence, the test is: can the reader understand it? It's the use of ellipsis or the elimination of word(s) that are implied. For this sentence, I completely understand it without the "have been." I'm also sensing that Aiken is a young boy, right?
Thank you. The sentence I wrote was a good way to ask the question I've been struggling with as I revise other texts. Good guess but no, Aiken is carving toys for his little boy, and he prefers his privacy over being watched by others in the room.
An intriguing character with a wonderful imagination, which allows him to escape.
I tucked my desire on the other side of the moon, where, without a single witness, with infinite space, people deposited their shadows.
...something isn't quite right yet. But it's closer (than previous unshared drafts). Thank you.
Lovely! I love the figurative implications of desires placed on the other side of the moon, which suggests they are located far away, not readily at hand. You bring together “desires” and also “ shadows” because the latter are deposited there too. Shadows are vague so maybe more specificity is needed here.
Oh boy. Sign me up for the bar, the anonymity, the whole shebang. So good.
Thea retreated to her bedroom near the western end of the Spree, where, cloistered beside the familiar sharp slant of daylight, scythe of night searchlights, she lay for two days in dread of the red blizzard marshalling its forces in the East.