Oh, but what’s the use, huh, what’s the use of stirring all this up, stirring up my ugly duckling bitterness, it will only prove the old man right: my children are imbeciles, that’s what he used to say, quite calmly, in our presence, we were all embarrassed, except him, of course, he couldn’t even see what might be shocking, not just about saying it but even thinking it!
Gourmet Rhapsody, by Muriel Barbery
From this one sentence, I have a strong sense of the narrator, not from a physical description or action but from the narrator’s language. The DNA of a character’s diction is a petri dish of many influences: culture, education, family, religion, ethnicity, society, class, region, on and on. With a first-person narrator, voice becomes even more critical to the story since the reader engages almost exclusively with this language.
In Barbery’s sentence, the narrator uses a colloquial tone, as if speaking to you across the picnic table. “Oh,” and “huh,” are phatic utterances, language used not to communicate information but to maintain or establish social relationships.
The informal tone is magnified through repetition via anaphora, the repetition of word(s) at the beginning of phrases or clauses. The repetition also creates a feeling that the sentence is unfolding now, in real-time. This isn’t a narrator who has reflected and synthesized his thoughts and can now cooly and logically present them. He’s piecing them together. The first time a phrase appears, it is imprecise. The second time, he adds more details and the rhythm changes. It’s a process of accretion.
1. what’s the use
2. what’s the use of stirring all this up
Barbery uses the same technique with this repetition:
1. stirring all this up
2. stirring up my ugly duckling bitterness
With this second example, the narrator’s singular uniqueness blooms on the page. It’s a unique, character-specific adjective: “my ugly duckling bitterness.” Suddenly, I feel I’m engaged with an individual.
Barbery uses a comma splice rather than a period to keep the real-time mood and adds, “it will only prove the old man right.”
After the colon, we don’t hear the narrator’s voice, but the old man’s, and the syntax changes. The repetition is gone; it’s a simple declarative sentence, reframed slightly, (from “your” to “my” ) because the narrator is repeating it: “my children are imbeciles.”
Eight phrases or clauses follow, separated by commas, creating a jagged nonlinear movement that mimics the narrator’s shock.
1. that’s what he said
2. quite calmly
3. in our presence
4. we were all embarrassed
5. except him
6. of course
7. he couldn’t even see what might be shocking
8. not just about saying it but even thinking it.
For the final phrase, Barbery uses the correlative conjunction, not/but: “he couldn’t even see what might be shocking, not just about saying it but even thinking it!”
With the exclamation point at the end, Barbery has built a complete emotional arc. The narrator begins in a state of defeat, “what’s the use,” but by experiencing the old man’s comment again in real-time, the narrator feels a sense of outrage.
Your Turn
Open with a phatic utterance to establish a colloquial tone. Add a conjunction and use a phrase that you’ll repeat (Barbery’s “what’s the use”).
Add your second phatic utterance and repeat the above phrase with more details. Whatever details you added, repeat these and use a unique, character-specific adjective. Here Barbery used “ugly duckling” bitterness.
Use a comma splice and add another independent clause and a colon.
Now, weave in another character’s voice via diction. How can the syntax change?
To mimic shock, add eight phrases or clauses separated by commas. Can you use a correlative conjunction?
Try it!
What did you discover? Create?
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About Gourmet Rhapsody: In the heart of Paris, in the posh building, the greatest food critic in the world is dying. Revered by some and reviled by many, Monsieur Pierre Arthens has been lording it over the world’s most esteemed chefs for years. But now, during these, his final hours, his mind has turned to simpler things. He is desperately searching for that singular flavor, that sublime something once sampled, never forgotten, the Flavor par excellence. Alternating with the voice of the supercilious Arthens is a chorus belonging to his acquaintances and familiars—relatives, lovers, a would-be protégé, even a cat.
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I’ve taught “Style in Fiction,” “Word for Word” and “Cultivating Your Prose” at the University of San Francisco and Stanford Continuing Studies since 2007.
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Oh, please, not again, not again. Barf on the stairs, barf in the hall, barf on his clothes, not again a drunk in the house like a dog with no training, like a dog with no control—everywhere, he promises it's the last time, he promises rehab, not again with half-empty cans, puddled beer, puddled pee, we turn him on his side again so he doesn't aspirate, he snores, he snorts he farts, again not again, a bucket, a mop, a mess to clean, while he sleeps it off, while we despair and gather empties for the recycling bin.
Totally unsure of the punctuation - or if this even is a sentence! But here goes:
Hey, long time no see, no see at all Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, no see on Mother’s Day while your poor mother stuck up for you, (did you know we fought over it?): I’d say he only lives eight miles away—but she’d say he’s so busy, I’d say he has time to go out drinking with his buddies—but she’d say he needs to let off steam, and she never wavered, she always kept expecting you to walk through the door, even at her funeral, I bet she was keeping an eye out.