Oh, please, not again, not again. Barf on the stairs, barf in the hall, barf on his clothes, not again a drunk in the house like a dog with no training, like a dog with no control—everywhere, he promises it's the last time, he promises rehab, not again with half-empty cans, puddled beer, puddled pee, we turn him on his side again so he doesn't aspirate, he snores, he snorts he farts, again not again, a bucket, a mop, a mess to clean, while he sleeps it off, while we despair and gather empties for the recycling bin.
Totally unsure of the punctuation - or if this even is a sentence! But here goes:
Hey, long time no see, no see at all Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, no see on Mother’s Day while your poor mother stuck up for you, (did you know we fought over it?): I’d say he only lives eight miles away—but she’d say he’s so busy, I’d say he has time to go out drinking with his buddies—but she’d say he needs to let off steam, and she never wavered, she always kept expecting you to walk through the door, even at her funeral, I bet she was keeping an eye out.
Hi. This is my first contribution at this end of the post listings. I just subscribed a little while ago and I've been working through the archival exercises, starting at the beginning, because ... ? Not sure why, except that maybe I'm a little anal and like to start at the beginning and do things in order. Oh dear. So I have the thought now that maybe I can work (in order 😊) at both ends. So I'll try to do each new exercise as it arrives, while still pushing through the early ones and see how I go. I'm thoroughly enjoying these sentence workouts by the way. Thank you, Nina.
I struggled to do this sentence more than any other so far. I haven't managed to differentiate the voice of the 'other character', as suggested, but I think I've got the syntax right.
My sentence:
Right, so here we go again, well here I go again with my usual lame duck grovelling, I know it just reinforces his oversized ego and validates his disgusting bigotry: my girl will get us a coffee, that’s what he says every time, strutting his self-importance with the bigwigs who come for their appointments, their ‘consultations’, so they can see he’s the one with power, he’s the one with influence, not the reality that I’m the ‘girl’ who has to correct every letter and email he writes, not the reality that he can’t even spell to save himself!
Setup: narrator is a homicidal water spirit under disciplinary action, moved from her previous (prestigious) posting in a major river to a probationary one in a tiny stream, where she's greeted by her older sister, whom she hasn't seen in decades.
Ha, what’s she think, yeah, she thinks it’s the old days, the old shame, stroking my innocent awe, she was always on me: I’m out of control, she’d say, I’m a noxious savage, it’s what she thinks, even now, after all this time, after everything’s in ruins, she lives a fantasy, she can’t even see we’re not passive protectors but active defenders now!
Oh, but it can't be real, can it, it can't be real this dizzying, consuming attraction, this soul-deep connection sparking between us, sparking like a live wire every time our eyes lock, but there it is again, that tingling, searing, knee-weakening jolt of pure volcanic chemistry when she brushes past me to refill her champagne, chemistry I never dreamed I'd discover with another woman, chemistry that feels both thrilling and terrifying, her hand trembling slightly as she raises her glass, nearly spilling, because she's fighting it too, here we are, two respectable wives, with responsibilities and reputations to uphold, this is insanity, it's impossible, and yet that visceral pull is still there, not just lust but an instinctive rightness, an undeniable sense of two paths converging, as if the universe itself is willing us together, the sheer inevitability of it overwhelming any obstacles, and my husband jokes, "What on earth has gotten into you two," eyebrow raised, blissfully unaware, jovial, boisterous, several drinks in already, of course he can't see it, how could he possibly see the electric charge saturating the air between us, the unspoken volumes communicated in a single shared glance, the giddy sweeping rush of falling, falling into unknown, forbidden, exhilarating territory.
Oh, please, not again, not again. Barf on the stairs, barf in the hall, barf on his clothes, not again a drunk in the house like a dog with no training, like a dog with no control—everywhere, he promises it's the last time, he promises rehab, not again with half-empty cans, puddled beer, puddled pee, we turn him on his side again so he doesn't aspirate, he snores, he snorts he farts, again not again, a bucket, a mop, a mess to clean, while he sleeps it off, while we despair and gather empties for the recycling bin.
Totally unsure of the punctuation - or if this even is a sentence! But here goes:
Hey, long time no see, no see at all Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, no see on Mother’s Day while your poor mother stuck up for you, (did you know we fought over it?): I’d say he only lives eight miles away—but she’d say he’s so busy, I’d say he has time to go out drinking with his buddies—but she’d say he needs to let off steam, and she never wavered, she always kept expecting you to walk through the door, even at her funeral, I bet she was keeping an eye out.
Hi. This is my first contribution at this end of the post listings. I just subscribed a little while ago and I've been working through the archival exercises, starting at the beginning, because ... ? Not sure why, except that maybe I'm a little anal and like to start at the beginning and do things in order. Oh dear. So I have the thought now that maybe I can work (in order 😊) at both ends. So I'll try to do each new exercise as it arrives, while still pushing through the early ones and see how I go. I'm thoroughly enjoying these sentence workouts by the way. Thank you, Nina.
I struggled to do this sentence more than any other so far. I haven't managed to differentiate the voice of the 'other character', as suggested, but I think I've got the syntax right.
My sentence:
Right, so here we go again, well here I go again with my usual lame duck grovelling, I know it just reinforces his oversized ego and validates his disgusting bigotry: my girl will get us a coffee, that’s what he says every time, strutting his self-importance with the bigwigs who come for their appointments, their ‘consultations’, so they can see he’s the one with power, he’s the one with influence, not the reality that I’m the ‘girl’ who has to correct every letter and email he writes, not the reality that he can’t even spell to save himself!
Setup: narrator is a homicidal water spirit under disciplinary action, moved from her previous (prestigious) posting in a major river to a probationary one in a tiny stream, where she's greeted by her older sister, whom she hasn't seen in decades.
Ha, what’s she think, yeah, she thinks it’s the old days, the old shame, stroking my innocent awe, she was always on me: I’m out of control, she’d say, I’m a noxious savage, it’s what she thinks, even now, after all this time, after everything’s in ruins, she lives a fantasy, she can’t even see we’re not passive protectors but active defenders now!
Oh, but it can't be real, can it, it can't be real this dizzying, consuming attraction, this soul-deep connection sparking between us, sparking like a live wire every time our eyes lock, but there it is again, that tingling, searing, knee-weakening jolt of pure volcanic chemistry when she brushes past me to refill her champagne, chemistry I never dreamed I'd discover with another woman, chemistry that feels both thrilling and terrifying, her hand trembling slightly as she raises her glass, nearly spilling, because she's fighting it too, here we are, two respectable wives, with responsibilities and reputations to uphold, this is insanity, it's impossible, and yet that visceral pull is still there, not just lust but an instinctive rightness, an undeniable sense of two paths converging, as if the universe itself is willing us together, the sheer inevitability of it overwhelming any obstacles, and my husband jokes, "What on earth has gotten into you two," eyebrow raised, blissfully unaware, jovial, boisterous, several drinks in already, of course he can't see it, how could he possibly see the electric charge saturating the air between us, the unspoken volumes communicated in a single shared glance, the giddy sweeping rush of falling, falling into unknown, forbidden, exhilarating territory.