For me, it was much harder to write the simple sentence. I wrote ten different ones before there was one I wasn't too embarrassed to share - although it's good to share things that slightly embarrass you, I think.
So good! You've woven in a metaphor via personification with "ire," an emotion becoming a substance that can infect. And the sentence invites the interpretation of how connected and intertwined we are.
This stone was no stone: Copper was in it; power was in it; desire was in it; sorrow was in it.
Is my capitalization correct?
I tried using words other than 'it' but then the sentence lost strength. Can I say power, desire, sorrow, copper, are subject compliments? Or do they compliment the 'its'?
The second version feels like an uncertain mind trying to figure out the stone in real-time, while the first version feels like the mind has made a decision. I like the repetition of "it"—epistrophe is the technique. "It" refers to the subject, "stone," which, ironically, is no stone. Copper, power, desire, sorrow are the subjects of the base clauses that follow the first base clause. With the "it" the string of base clauses refer to the opening base clause, which is very cool. It's like a snake circling back on its tail
Thanks for your second lesson today. I see what you mean. Now I like the first version best. But its so hard not to keep adding words....or maybe the second version...
Fantastic! The word "dancing" does so much work, proliferating associations. I assign an emotion to the virus--it's joyful because, presumably, it has found a host as home.
My favorite part of this sentence is that the latter half reads like a non-sequitur but makes complete sense to anyone who's ever been fourteen :-) Zadie is a gift to us all.
I was fourteen: A plastic butter knife, a toothless mutt.
For me, it was much harder to write the simple sentence. I wrote ten different ones before there was one I wasn't too embarrassed to share - although it's good to share things that slightly embarrass you, I think.
I was infected: his ire become mine.
So good! You've woven in a metaphor via personification with "ire," an emotion becoming a substance that can infect. And the sentence invites the interpretation of how connected and intertwined we are.
Either--
This stone was no stone: Sorrow was in it.
Or--
This stone was no stone: Copper was in it; power was in it; desire was in it; sorrow was in it.
Is my capitalization correct?
I tried using words other than 'it' but then the sentence lost strength. Can I say power, desire, sorrow, copper, are subject compliments? Or do they compliment the 'its'?
The second version feels like an uncertain mind trying to figure out the stone in real-time, while the first version feels like the mind has made a decision. I like the repetition of "it"—epistrophe is the technique. "It" refers to the subject, "stone," which, ironically, is no stone. Copper, power, desire, sorrow are the subjects of the base clauses that follow the first base clause. With the "it" the string of base clauses refer to the opening base clause, which is very cool. It's like a snake circling back on its tail
Thanks for your second lesson today. I see what you mean. Now I like the first version best. But its so hard not to keep adding words....or maybe the second version...
The cat was eating: the world was a bowl.
“Eating” and “a bowl” are not parallel, but it’s 5 syllables in each side.
So good! I interpret it as the cat being voraciously hungry and will eat everything, anything. I like the change/variety with the faulty parallelism.
Nina, I appreciate your replies to our comments…educating and encouraging us.
The world is slowly frying: my nerves sizzle, beating time.
Beautiful! I love the word "beating" because it also brings in a pulse and the heart.
Thanks, Nina. I thought about saying my nerves sizzle, already fried. But glad I went with beating time.
Everyone will hurt: life is hard.
Lady Mary cuts her Ts: Yogi Berra makes them Ds.
She wants to forget about it: he can’t fuhgeddaboudit.
Not sure about these and the model.
First try - His hand shook: The virus was dancing.
Fantastic! The word "dancing" does so much work, proliferating associations. I assign an emotion to the virus--it's joyful because, presumably, it has found a host as home.
Swing Time is gorgeous. I love much of Smith's work, fiction and non.
My favorite part of this sentence is that the latter half reads like a non-sequitur but makes complete sense to anyone who's ever been fourteen :-) Zadie is a gift to us all.
I was fourteen: A plastic butter knife, a toothless mutt.
I love the intrigue--how we want to understand a mind that works like this.
The first half of your sentence gives such interesting context to the second!
That was the year I turned 14: the year I learned to fear.
Wow, short sentences are hard! Who knew‽ Doing all four parts proved a challenge as well, but of the many drafted, here's one:
I was unsure: The road was true.
I love this intriguing pairing. You juxtapose unsure with the concept of true. It’s so interesting. I am glad you stuck with it.
Oh love this sentence and your explanation!
Here's a first go at my own -
I was hurt: my feelings thunderclouds
I love the vividness of "thunderclouds," which moves the intangible into something tangible.
Thank you!
Like others, I played around and found that this wasn't easy at all.
He became captain: the sea his proxy lover . I tried a longer version that didn't have the parallelism, and a bit of a different meaning:
He was in command of the Portent : the sea commandeered his time with Portia
The sea took over his life, a mutiny, so-to-speak.
Or:
He was in command of the Portent: the sea commandeered him off the porch.
With the first one, I feel such an absoluteness to it, a certainty. The longer ones feel less intense and less urgent.
This one, "The sea took over his life, a mutiny, so-to-speak" has a more informal register than "He became captain: the sea his proxy lover."
really interesting article and great to see everyone's efforts and discussion. Thank you !
It’s easier in poetry than in prose of course, but I’ve kept lines/sentences very brief in my most recent post. https://open.substack.com/pub/undergrowth/p/buzzers-call?r=14br2&utm_medium=ios
Loved this!