One of the hardest sentences to pull off because so often the interrupters pull away from the main line of the sentence, testing the reader’s grip while waiting for the verb. I think it works, too, because the branches echo the time reference: “before” links to “back.” And in a rare case, here the weak verb actually helps by reducing the cognitive challenge a generally better verb might pose.
You raise such good points to think about when writing a mid-branching sentence. How much can the center hold (thank you Yeats)? The words indicating time create a through-line to pull us along among the field of modifiers. The anaphora also helps as anchors to hold onto.
Thank you, another must-check-out writer! What a beautiful sentence. The words and thought-games and references pulled me in deliciously. “Geekus millionairus” is just perfect. And while I am back there in the late seventies did I not spy a bumper sticker that read, “Paleontologists do it deeper…and more slowly”? Anyway, just lovely, vibrating with a character I will follow anywhere! (And the way time stretches out from the seventies to at least the turn of the millennium and maybe beyond is also stunning. But wait: she got economics, politics, history and philosophy in there as well. Is this writer some kind of Joycean genius? I’m betting yes!)
So much is there in one sentence! I, too, marveled and wanted to linger there and understand it. Ha! I don't remember that bumper sticker, but it works for the tone of the entire story. I loved how much time was packed into the modifiers, which also establishes that the story will have a reminiscent character who will look back at this time.
It seems like now that you've unleashed that bumper sticker idea, it will be made. Thank you for ordering my sentence book! I really appreciate it, and I love that you can fall in love with sentences. That's the sign of a writer.
I have this same problem with the mid-branching sentences: unless the subject is firmly embedded in my mind, I will forget the subject when I come back to the verb. I would rewrite this as "The goal, Alicia's main goal, back in ...." to emphasis the subject.
I find the use of a hyphen immediately before the em dash to be distracting. An em dash calling out an 'aside' thought is like the mid-branching sentence: if the thought is too long then I forget that the content is an aside. I prefer thoughts to be short when separated by em dashes.
My favorite part of this sentence is as Nina described: the woman's voice is punctuated, a hard voiced strongly opinionated woman, educated and willing to speak her mind. It works perfectly to add aggressiveness to her action.
I like the rewrite to firmly plant the subject in the reader's mind. And it fits the voice of this character. The story is about when Alicia was younger, more pliable, more porous, and the voice is from when she's older, wiser, and has opinions and more aggression. It's a great technique to get both the young version and the older version of a self on the page. Here's the link to the story:
One of the hardest sentences to pull off because so often the interrupters pull away from the main line of the sentence, testing the reader’s grip while waiting for the verb. I think it works, too, because the branches echo the time reference: “before” links to “back.” And in a rare case, here the weak verb actually helps by reducing the cognitive challenge a generally better verb might pose.
You raise such good points to think about when writing a mid-branching sentence. How much can the center hold (thank you Yeats)? The words indicating time create a through-line to pull us along among the field of modifiers. The anaphora also helps as anchors to hold onto.
Thank you, another must-check-out writer! What a beautiful sentence. The words and thought-games and references pulled me in deliciously. “Geekus millionairus” is just perfect. And while I am back there in the late seventies did I not spy a bumper sticker that read, “Paleontologists do it deeper…and more slowly”? Anyway, just lovely, vibrating with a character I will follow anywhere! (And the way time stretches out from the seventies to at least the turn of the millennium and maybe beyond is also stunning. But wait: she got economics, politics, history and philosophy in there as well. Is this writer some kind of Joycean genius? I’m betting yes!)
And geology and archaeology. This sentence is bursting with life!
So much is there in one sentence! I, too, marveled and wanted to linger there and understand it. Ha! I don't remember that bumper sticker, but it works for the tone of the entire story. I loved how much time was packed into the modifiers, which also establishes that the story will have a reminiscent character who will look back at this time.
Ha, I made up that bumper sticker, but it wasn’t far from actual ones I used to see, about pilots, divers, etc.
I went and ordered both of Aker’s short story collections so I guess I am impressed.
I also think I have your sentences book coming: can’t wait! Thank you so much for all this thought and soul provoking!!
It seems like now that you've unleashed that bumper sticker idea, it will be made. Thank you for ordering my sentence book! I really appreciate it, and I love that you can fall in love with sentences. That's the sign of a writer.
Thanks, Nina!
I have this same problem with the mid-branching sentences: unless the subject is firmly embedded in my mind, I will forget the subject when I come back to the verb. I would rewrite this as "The goal, Alicia's main goal, back in ...." to emphasis the subject.
I find the use of a hyphen immediately before the em dash to be distracting. An em dash calling out an 'aside' thought is like the mid-branching sentence: if the thought is too long then I forget that the content is an aside. I prefer thoughts to be short when separated by em dashes.
My favorite part of this sentence is as Nina described: the woman's voice is punctuated, a hard voiced strongly opinionated woman, educated and willing to speak her mind. It works perfectly to add aggressiveness to her action.
I like the rewrite to firmly plant the subject in the reader's mind. And it fits the voice of this character. The story is about when Alicia was younger, more pliable, more porous, and the voice is from when she's older, wiser, and has opinions and more aggression. It's a great technique to get both the young version and the older version of a self on the page. Here's the link to the story:
Link?
Sorry!
http://www.storyglossia.com/37/ma_bones.html