I love this book, I think it's beautifully written. Here's my attempt.
Next time, he thinks, I will stand up to my father, next time I will be fearless and strong, next time I won’t give in and cry, next time I will be intelligent and answer back, next time I won’t stammer and cower, then my father will be surprised and speechless.
I'm reading this so slowly because of the sentences.
So beautiful! The repetition creates a sense of heightened emotion, and the character is working extremely hard to bolster his courage to stand up to his father. And this is accomplished via the architecture.
Lovely. Each "next time" feels like reinforcing a belief that isn't really there, but by the time you get to the "then my father" the belief is solid and it feels like he really will be surprised and speechless.
They will each sleep for a year or so, a year of vast emptiness, a year of quiet forgetting, a year of renaissance hymns, a year of absence from us, then back to the infirm society that went on without them.
I'm working on a piece in a fairy tale style about people who sleep through pandemics and plagues. I add the explanation because I feel like my sentence is pretty abstract , but it was fun play with.
Lovely! I love the contrast between the year of sleep and the “infirm society that went on without them.” It feels like a juxtaposition between stasis and a kind of peace and the world that is trudging along. The specific details of the year of sleep are wonderful. I am intrigued by Renaissance hymns.
This is wonderful, Elaine, and doesn't feel abstract to me at all. I'm older, live alone and had to stay pretty sequestered during the pandemic until the vaccines were available. It feels like "I slept" through almost a full year and it has left a large time gap in my personal history
We will run the 26 miles give or take, 26 miles that will start in excitement and hope, 26 miles that will continue with determination and resolve, 26 miles of challenge – lungs, minds, hearts tested, 26 miles to self-mastery and achievement, to a line when it's crossed will no longer exist.
So good! The repetition is so powerful--I feel the weight of these 26 miles because of the repetition and you are simulating the running of these miles by the long sentence itself. I also love how the specific details change over the course of the sentence from excitement to determination and resolve, to challenge. The ending works on so many levels. The line will be crossed, so it won't exist anymore. The line is behind the runner. The line will no longer exist because of the endurance needed to cross it and the accompanying exhaustion. The line won't exist because a boundary has been crossed.
Thanks for these exercises, Nina, the final sentence was a bit of luck. It wouldn’t have happened without the prompt and the guidance. The feedback is a bonus. It’s so good to be challenged in this way and to feel that there is progress. Thanks again.
I love the tastes that these sentences give us of so many different styles. It is powerful to take out that one sentence and see the craftsmanship. -----They each come for one hour exactly, one hour of someone's full attention, one hour of not being alone, one hour of sitting visible and heard, one hour to feel human, then slip back into the stark glare of the camp.
The repetition of the two words “one hour” conveys how important this one hour is to the characters. The details are intriguing, creating a sense of escape. The ending of the sentence confirms that they have indeed escaped. There is the one hour, away from “the stark glare of the camp.”
The repetition of the two words “one hour” conveys how important this one hour is to the characters. The details are intriguing, creating a sense of escape. The ending of the sentence confirms that they have indeed escaped. There is the one hour, away from “the stark glare of the camp.”
Great post and so perfectly timed since she DID win! Love this: "I love repetition because it heightens the emotion (I hear hints of exasperation), because it draws the reader’s attention to the repeated word(s), signaling their importance to the characters. The repetition also creates a profound, unmistakeable rhythm." And agree.
We heard a flute playing a musical strain, soft and solemn, lofty music increasing in sweetness and power, breathy music floating through the yard like bird song on the wing, musical accompaniment to a tree’s sudden appearance, complete with branches sprouting from the trunk in dark, vibrato tones and light trilling twigs and leafy colors swaying in the breezes, and after the flute’s voice slowly diminished we stuck around, in hopes of its return.
Beautiful! I feel the flute’s music float and travel through this entire sentence, intertwining with the world, knitting everything together. Music and musical are repeated, providing an anchor or touchstone as we move through the sentence, reminding us what is carrying us along. When the music disappears the listeners stick around, waiting for its return. Implicitly there’s a feeling of wanting everything to be held together .
Nina, your stunning sentence posts also frequently serve as book recommendations! By the way, what’s the secret to reading and understanding Faulkner on first pass?
Thank you! Faulkner’s most accessible book is As I Lay Dying. The Sound and the Fury opens with Benjy, who is difficult to understand. It helps to know that he is looking at a golf course. As you keep reading, you’ll meet the other members of the family and the syntax changes dramatically each time. Absalom, Absalom! has long, clause-heavy sentences. You must be patient and slowly your mind will adjust.
I love this book, I think it's beautifully written. Here's my attempt.
Next time, he thinks, I will stand up to my father, next time I will be fearless and strong, next time I won’t give in and cry, next time I will be intelligent and answer back, next time I won’t stammer and cower, then my father will be surprised and speechless.
I'm reading this so slowly because of the sentences.
So beautiful! The repetition creates a sense of heightened emotion, and the character is working extremely hard to bolster his courage to stand up to his father. And this is accomplished via the architecture.
Thank you so much Nina!
Lovely. Each "next time" feels like reinforcing a belief that isn't really there, but by the time you get to the "then my father" the belief is solid and it feels like he really will be surprised and speechless.
Thank you Elaine, I really appreciate your comment.
They will each sleep for a year or so, a year of vast emptiness, a year of quiet forgetting, a year of renaissance hymns, a year of absence from us, then back to the infirm society that went on without them.
I'm working on a piece in a fairy tale style about people who sleep through pandemics and plagues. I add the explanation because I feel like my sentence is pretty abstract , but it was fun play with.
Lovely! I love the contrast between the year of sleep and the “infirm society that went on without them.” It feels like a juxtaposition between stasis and a kind of peace and the world that is trudging along. The specific details of the year of sleep are wonderful. I am intrigued by Renaissance hymns.
This is wonderful, Elaine, and doesn't feel abstract to me at all. I'm older, live alone and had to stay pretty sequestered during the pandemic until the vaccines were available. It feels like "I slept" through almost a full year and it has left a large time gap in my personal history
Thank you, it's great to hear that resonance.
I finished a version of my fairy tale and this sentence is part of it. Check it out if you care to! https://unleashedazalea.substack.com/p/the-plague-sleepers?r=3zkfn3
We will run the 26 miles give or take, 26 miles that will start in excitement and hope, 26 miles that will continue with determination and resolve, 26 miles of challenge – lungs, minds, hearts tested, 26 miles to self-mastery and achievement, to a line when it's crossed will no longer exist.
So good! The repetition is so powerful--I feel the weight of these 26 miles because of the repetition and you are simulating the running of these miles by the long sentence itself. I also love how the specific details change over the course of the sentence from excitement to determination and resolve, to challenge. The ending works on so many levels. The line will be crossed, so it won't exist anymore. The line is behind the runner. The line will no longer exist because of the endurance needed to cross it and the accompanying exhaustion. The line won't exist because a boundary has been crossed.
Thanks for these exercises, Nina, the final sentence was a bit of luck. It wouldn’t have happened without the prompt and the guidance. The feedback is a bonus. It’s so good to be challenged in this way and to feel that there is progress. Thanks again.
I love the tastes that these sentences give us of so many different styles. It is powerful to take out that one sentence and see the craftsmanship. -----They each come for one hour exactly, one hour of someone's full attention, one hour of not being alone, one hour of sitting visible and heard, one hour to feel human, then slip back into the stark glare of the camp.
The repetition of the two words “one hour” conveys how important this one hour is to the characters. The details are intriguing, creating a sense of escape. The ending of the sentence confirms that they have indeed escaped. There is the one hour, away from “the stark glare of the camp.”
The repetition of the two words “one hour” conveys how important this one hour is to the characters. The details are intriguing, creating a sense of escape. The ending of the sentence confirms that they have indeed escaped. There is the one hour, away from “the stark glare of the camp.”
That hour has such a sense of relief to it, like it was a life giving escape. The verb "slip back" is so perfect. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Elaine.
Wow. Deep breath. What a great sentence (period), and a great sentence for right now. As always, thank you.
Great post and so perfectly timed since she DID win! Love this: "I love repetition because it heightens the emotion (I hear hints of exasperation), because it draws the reader’s attention to the repeated word(s), signaling their importance to the characters. The repetition also creates a profound, unmistakeable rhythm." And agree.
thank you! I’m still slowly slowly reading Orbital, orbiting through the pages finding gems. The propulsion is language, music.
We heard a flute playing a musical strain, soft and solemn, lofty music increasing in sweetness and power, breathy music floating through the yard like bird song on the wing, musical accompaniment to a tree’s sudden appearance, complete with branches sprouting from the trunk in dark, vibrato tones and light trilling twigs and leafy colors swaying in the breezes, and after the flute’s voice slowly diminished we stuck around, in hopes of its return.
Beautiful! I feel the flute’s music float and travel through this entire sentence, intertwining with the world, knitting everything together. Music and musical are repeated, providing an anchor or touchstone as we move through the sentence, reminding us what is carrying us along. When the music disappears the listeners stick around, waiting for its return. Implicitly there’s a feeling of wanting everything to be held together .
Thank you. I loved writing this sentence. I began with an idea and then it magically wrote itself. I exult when that happens.
Beautiful sentence—thanks, Nina!
Thank you!
Nina, your stunning sentence posts also frequently serve as book recommendations! By the way, what’s the secret to reading and understanding Faulkner on first pass?
Thank you! Faulkner’s most accessible book is As I Lay Dying. The Sound and the Fury opens with Benjy, who is difficult to understand. It helps to know that he is looking at a golf course. As you keep reading, you’ll meet the other members of the family and the syntax changes dramatically each time. Absalom, Absalom! has long, clause-heavy sentences. You must be patient and slowly your mind will adjust.
4 years of unfettered insult
4 years of billionaire baby boys
4 years of open season on the pussy
4 years turning into forty
Anadiplosis -- didn't know this term, but now I do! Thanks, Nina.