“Fair warning,” Albert told Elise, “my love always takes its first tentative steps as a happy coy mermaid, all chocolate muffins and grape lollipops, but soon as your shields dissolve it may shrivel into some parsimonious curmudgeon in a dungeon—and not the kind of dungeon you like.”
“It still sounds better than social media,” she said.
It's not the same thing as your example sentence I don't think, but I'm reminded of a great quote from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: "Remember that we deal with alcohol -- cunning, baffling, powerful!"
In the fall her stoicism began to lose footing, slipping a little each time a wind swept through the yard, a wind which she knew would eventually strip the branches. Will the young tree stand?
The personification of stoicism is so powerful, so vivid. You've made it fresh through this metaphor. The metaphor extends and blurs with the tree, which now stands in for the stoicism. It's almost as if the character needs distance from what is happening to her stoicism and, as a result, she can only consider the young tree and whether it will stand. The contrast between the long sentence and the shorter one gives the reader breathing room--and the shorter one feels full of anxiety.
Thank you, Nina. I see what you mean about the two metaphors. I had a hard time extending the slipping/losing footing metaphor... though I like your interpretation that the character needs distance from what is happening to her stoicism - she is still not facing it head-on!
I love the tension in this model sentence, I’m caught up in what will happen!
Here’s my attempt. It was hard to find a “time passing” kind of phrase...
As she spoke, my confidence lost its footing, tripping in an awkward, slow-motion forward fall, a fall that I should’ve known was coming. My hopes shattered.
So good! I love the personification of confidence with its feet, and the act of tripping is a vivid image that stays with the reader. The string of adjectives, "awkward, slow-motion forward" creates a sense of time passing by the very fact that you are taking up more acreage on the page with these words and making the reader slow down. It's a great technique to convey time passing. The repetition of "fall" via anadiplosis emphasizes "fall" and we feel more is at stake with confidence tripping.
On certain days, sadness clings like the spider that lives upstairs, crawling slowly, eerily, wandering in an unpredictable direction, morphing into an unpredictable shape-a zig-zag or a curl. I don’t know if it will bite my palm or sit quietly, waiting.
“Fair warning,” Albert told Elise, “my love always takes its first tentative steps as a happy coy mermaid, all chocolate muffins and grape lollipops, but soon as your shields dissolve it may shrivel into some parsimonious curmudgeon in a dungeon—and not the kind of dungeon you like.”
“It still sounds better than social media,” she said.
I love this! So much humor, laugh-out-loud humor. And she has the perfect response.
Thank you, Nina. And thanks for yet another writer I never heard of until today, yet can’t wait to read more of!
His first short story collection, A Lucky Man, is beautiful, as is his current collection. He's an expert at mixing colloquial with eloquence.
Looking forward to getting my paws on both books. You are a Goddess of Good Directions!!
It's not the same thing as your example sentence I don't think, but I'm reminded of a great quote from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous: "Remember that we deal with alcohol -- cunning, baffling, powerful!"
Yes! The personification of alcohol makes it more visceral, and because it's cunning and powerful, it feels ominous and menacing.
In the fall her stoicism began to lose footing, slipping a little each time a wind swept through the yard, a wind which she knew would eventually strip the branches. Will the young tree stand?
The personification of stoicism is so powerful, so vivid. You've made it fresh through this metaphor. The metaphor extends and blurs with the tree, which now stands in for the stoicism. It's almost as if the character needs distance from what is happening to her stoicism and, as a result, she can only consider the young tree and whether it will stand. The contrast between the long sentence and the shorter one gives the reader breathing room--and the shorter one feels full of anxiety.
Thank you, Nina. I see what you mean about the two metaphors. I had a hard time extending the slipping/losing footing metaphor... though I like your interpretation that the character needs distance from what is happening to her stoicism - she is still not facing it head-on!
Yes! It's an interesting move psychologically.
I love the tension in this model sentence, I’m caught up in what will happen!
Here’s my attempt. It was hard to find a “time passing” kind of phrase...
As she spoke, my confidence lost its footing, tripping in an awkward, slow-motion forward fall, a fall that I should’ve known was coming. My hopes shattered.
Robin,
So good! I love the personification of confidence with its feet, and the act of tripping is a vivid image that stays with the reader. The string of adjectives, "awkward, slow-motion forward" creates a sense of time passing by the very fact that you are taking up more acreage on the page with these words and making the reader slow down. It's a great technique to convey time passing. The repetition of "fall" via anadiplosis emphasizes "fall" and we feel more is at stake with confidence tripping.
Thanks so much!
On certain days, sadness clings like the spider that lives upstairs, crawling slowly, eerily, wandering in an unpredictable direction, morphing into an unpredictable shape-a zig-zag or a curl. I don’t know if it will bite my palm or sit quietly, waiting.